Shake it off!

I can still remember the feeling in the depths of my being.  It felt like a cold fist of tangled nerves emanating from my stomach stretching to my parched throat which suddenly seemed unable to make any sound at all.  Mrs. T felt sorry for me having to not only lose recess for weeks due to a broken ankle but having to eat lunch alone in my fourth grade classroom on the third floor.  She would ask, "Who would like to stay inside and eat with Frances?" Back in the 1970s teachers weren't that concerned about leaving kids alone in a classroom.  During this ritual I would be silently praying, "Please, not Her.  Please, not HER".  While I can't remember how many times my prayers were answered, I do remember the times they weren't.  It was when Mrs. T picked HER.

I will call HER Lisa for the purpose of this article because to this day even hearing HER real name makes me think not only of HER cruelty but the cruelty shown to me by another "Lisa" later in my life.  Lisa would start off our lunch periods by staring at me.  Her stares were malicious enough to make me shake in my seat.  Worrying about what would inevitably come next was enough to put me off eating all together. She would silently get up and walk over to me as I would unpack my lunch.  Lisa knew that my parents owned the local Italian deli and always packed a full lunch for me.  As I would try not to make eye contact, I would shakily unwrap my sandwich from the aluminum foil knowing that as soon as she saw the crust of the torpedo roll it would be snatched away from me.  Some days she would let me eat the banana or apple that was packed along with the sandwich.  She never let me eat the candy bar.

Lisa wasn't content with only eating my lunch.  To be honest, if the only thing I had to give up was my sandwich now and then, I probably wouldn't be so terrified of her.  Since I usually spent a few hours at our deli after school, I would just make myself a sandwich there and be satisfied.  No, Lisa was a full service bully.  SHE would call me names based on my weight which was ironic considering SHE was much larger than I was.  SHE would make fun of my clothing and the way I wore my hair. Sometimes SHE would tell me to do her homework because SHE knew that I was a much better student. But Lisa was smart...SHE knew how to push my buttons.  SHE knew that nothing hurt me more than being teased about my weight. SHE also knew that I always paid attention in class and could finish assignments quickly and correctly.  SHE knew that I wanted her to be my friend and that I would do anything to help make that happen.   SHE also knew that I was quiet and shy; not the type of kid to be a tattle tale.  Lisa took full advantage of this whenever SHE could.  This stroke of good luck of sharing lunch time with me gave her uninterrupted time to wield her power over me.  No lunch aides or friends to see the behavior and to tell on her.  No chance of me opening up my mouth to defend myself.  Just in case I thought about doing so, the last thing SHE would say to me as we heard the kids coming up the stairs would be a threat to beat me up if I said anything to Mrs. T about her behavior. Of course, I never did.  Eventually, Lisa would choose another victim to bully, and all I felt was relief.  I'm ashamed to admit that I shunned those other victims  instead of standing up for them just because I was afraid that Lisa would retaliate.

Recently I saw Lisa in a picture on Facebook. It got me thinking about 9 year old Frances and how Lisa made her feel.  It was obvious to me that time has not been kind to Lisa, and her cruelty suddenly was seen in a different light. Being a teacher for over 25 years has made me realize the psychology behind bullies.  I have had to deal with both the bullies and the victims and counsel both as equals.  I realize now that bullies need my love and support just as much as the victims do.  Bullies are lacking something in their lives, and as an educator in the 21st century, counseling the is an essential part of my job description. So not only do I sympathize with Lisa, but I also realize that 9 year old Frances didn't realize how good she had it compared to her.   Ironically, I am now a fourth grade teacher, and recently found myself being bullied by yet another Lisa.  This Lisa has decades of more jealousy and insecurity compared to the Lisa of my childhood.  Being bullied as a 48 old isn't so different from being bullied as a 9 year old.  What is different is how I have handled this form of bullying.  If I could only go back in time (preferably with Dr. Who in the TARDIS), I would give this advice to both girls.

1. Frances, bullies act the way they do because they are either jealous, insecure, or both.  Those
times when Lisa bullied you were really times you should have felt sorry for her rather than
fear her.  If you knew how Lisa hated herself and her life, you would know how her lashing
out at you was probably the only time she felt truly happy .  Putting you down, pushing you
around is a bully's way of making themselves feel better.  Bullies know there is something
wrong with their lives, and their actions are fruitless attempts at improving themselves.  I do
understand why you were afraid but if you think about your many blessings (i.e. family who
loves you, true friends, no fears about when you are going to eat next), you will realize how
much better your life is compared to hers.  Lisa is looking for someone to control because she
feels like she has no control in her own life.

2.  Lisa, your stares of intimidation and threats of physical punishment do not equate real power.
If you had real power, you would try to uplift your friends and not put them down.  Do you
realize what a good friend Frances would be? Do you have any idea of how loyal she is and
how generous she is? If you had asked, she would have shared her sandwich with you all
year.  If you had treated her with any respect at all, she would have helped you with your work.
Frances showed signs of being a pretty good teacher even at a young age.  She would have
given up her free time to help you improve your grades.  But because of the way you treated
her, she wants to nothing more than to get as far away from you as possible.  She is going to
find friends who support her to be the very best she can be and you are going to be a bad and
faded memory sooner than you think.  You will wonder why Frances left your life and may
think that this is yet another example of you against them.  But what really caused it is your
battle to wield power over people who would have willingly followed you if only you
treated them with kindness and respect.

 3.  Frances, you must learn the difference between standing up for yourself and being a "tattle-
tale".  No one has the right to make you feel like you are  "less than" because you are the
opposite! You are a hard working, kind, empathetic, and skilled girl who follows the golden
rule on a daily basis.  If someone is trying to tell you aren't good enough, stop and think
about that person.  Does she have the right to say that to you? Why? Because she is bigger than
you? Because she thinks she has the right to insult you? No, dear girl.  You aren't the type of
person who goes looking for fights, but if someone pushes you to the point of defending your-
self, you must do so.  It doesn't matter whether the bully is a peer or someone who thinks of
herself or himself as your superior. You have the right to complain when you are being bullied.
Once you stand up for yourself, you will find that suddenly the bullies will wither back into the
scared and pathetic souls that they are.

4.  Lisa, before you choose to intimidate another "Frances" I want you to think about this.  If you
keep on rotating your bullying strategies on different people, eventually you are going to pick
the wrong person to push.  Instead of pushing the button of fear you may just push the button
of revenge.  You see, Lisa, you are not the only one who can wield power.  All those kids that
you think are weak and too stupid to know better eventually end up talking with one another.
Those victims will realize at one point that there is nothing wrong with them.  The problem is
YOU.  They may not want to get you into trouble but they will reach a point where you push
them too far.  They will decide that enough is enough and strike back.  You will have to face
a group of united kids rather than that seemingly powerless individual.  But Lisa, you can
still change this.  You don't need to like everyone.  But give others the chance to show you
that they can be good friends.  The whole world isn't against you.  I'm sorry that adults in your life made you feel "less than". They should have taught you kindness and respect for all instead
of making you feel like you had to hurt others before they hurt you.  Stop the madness and
reach out to the kind and hard-working kids around you.  They will treat you much better if
you do so.  You will see that life doesn't have to be one fight after another.  Peace and content-
ment  feel so much better than turmoil and paranoia.

5. Finally dear Frances, don't lower your standards for anyone.  Face bullies head on, but don't
ever stop following your own principles.  You are a Catholic, and even though Jesus said to
turn the other cheek I don't believe He meant to become a whipping girl for those who
are being unjust.  Keep being the hard-working girl that you are and stride into your future
knowing that there are people who will not only recognize your worth but will scramble to
work with you in accomplishing your goals.  Your job is not to put the bully into her/his place.
Your job is to remember your place.  After all, what a bully really wants is to be a leader.  You
will be leading other children one day, and those children will look to you as a role model.
Show them how to be a leader without walking all over others.

I have a niece who is a teenager and who I'm sure faces her share of bullies.  But at 15 she already shows more strength and grace than I ever did as a young person.  I hope she will read this entry and smile at the advice that one of our favorite singers gives that equates the final advice I would give to Frances, Francesca, and all other kid and adults who feel bullied.   Keep being lightning on your feet; don't miss a beat on your way to your best future; keep on cruising to the music in your head that says "It's gonna be alright". Just shake it off, girls.

I'm Not Angry

My job requires me to be patient and supportive all day long.  I have learned how to compartmentalize my personal life and problems to keep them separate from my "teacher personality".  This is especially important this year as I have one of the most challenging classes that I have had in a long time.  These students want to learn, but many of them face such daunting circumstances in their young lives that I know my first job is to make sure they know they are safe and loved when they walk into the room.  I often have to defuse situations and find myself de-escalating confrontations between students on a daily basis.  Although I am far from perfect (I have lost my cool a few times already this year), I am pleased with how I have managed this class so far.  Some of my toughest students are making progress in learning how to manage their own behaviors and how to get along with peers.  While reading, writing, and arithmetic are still the important 3 Rs, I am more than satisfied that self-restraint is a goal that my students are working towards.

I wish I could be as proud of how I have handled situations when the teacher mask comes off.  This year more than any other year I find myself spouting negativity into conversations.  I find that I have a short trigger when it comes to anything I view as a transgression.  If there is even a hint of someone saying or doing something that doesn't meet my standard, I am suddenly bitching and complaining instead of trying to find a way to "make it work".  Minor irritants like careless drivers and rude sales clerks have triggered my temper and produced overblown reactions.  Signing in at work the other day, I greeted a colleague with such a sarcastic comment that he was physically taken aback.  I immediately apologized and started to think I was truly changing into one of "those people".

You know the kind of person I'm talking about.  The person who walks into a room and drags a black cloud along with him.  The person who can stop a conversation cold with a sharp comment.  The person who no one wants to sit near because she will immediately start complaining and bring you down to her level.  Typically, I am the direct opposite of "those people". In fact, I have often taken being a people pleaser to an extreme.   One of the things I most like about myself is that I try to make others feel better and am quite sensitive to the moods and temperaments of others.  I think it is a quality that makes me a successful teacher.  However, this year I find myself using this skill and STILL finding a way to make a bad situation worse.  I misinterpret the meaning of an off-handed comment and we're off to the races! Suddenly, my mind is whirling with reasons to be offended.  

So, why is this happening? Part of it may be the fact that I do feel the pressure of teaching in New York State in the 21st century.  When your profession is constantly targeted and torn apart publicly,  it does make one quite defensive.  Having to keep my cool all day long with this demanding class also may contribute to my explosive mood swings.  But I think there is more to it.  I found myself the other day calling out a friend because a TWO WORD text message sounded dismissive to me.  I actually found a way to twist two words (that weren't "fuck off") into an implication that she was upset with me.  I convinced myself that she was being passive aggressive (a behavior I actually am known to show) and I pompously called her out on it.  Turns out she was helping another friend move and just couldn't elaborate on her text.  I immediately felt like the jerk that I was and apologized.

Unlike other blog posts I have written, I don't have an answer or an explanation that makes sense.  I was hoping that I was typing this entry, an answer would suddenly pop into my head.  Alas, that isn't meant to be this time.  So if you see me anytime soon, please ignore me if I spout out antagonistic messages. I'm really not angry with you... I'm just trying to figure it all out.

Spring Can Really Hang You Up The Most

This school year isn't what I had envisioned at all.  Back in the spring I had made the decision to transfer to another building in my district in order to return to the grade level I loved to teach: first grade.  Back in the spring, I was preparing to adopt a child and achieve my life-long goal of becoming a mother.  Back in the spring, I was pretty sure that I had grieved my father fully and was prepared to enter parenthood without any childhood ghosts making me feel "less than" anymore.  Back in the spring, I was nurturing a love for a person who was totally unavailable to me in every way possible.   Spring 2015 was basically my season of burgeoning hopes and dreams that were cushioning me from reality.  

A month into my school year I am experiencing one of the most challenging classes I have ever had.  Behavioral issues, huge gaps in academic levels, and the unfortunate but usual problems associated with teaching kids living in poverty seem to be occurring at a higher rate than I have ever seen.  Usually by October I have a good handle on the class and can see my routines that we have practiced finally taking hold in my students.  This October is different.  I'm struggling to find the right balance of firmness and compassion.  In an effort to positively reinforce my students I have upgraded a behavioral system that has worked for me like a charm in the past.  I am a firm believer that children respond to kindness and to being treated with respect.  However, this year I am seeing that belief swatted away as if it were an annoying mosquito.  In my mind I know that this disinterest in my efforts is a defense mechanism used by troubled children who have seen more in their 9 years of life than any person should see or experience in a lifetime.  In my heart, it is still deflating and discouraging. I realize that if I had transferred to another building to teach first grade chances are that I would be facing similar problems on top of other ones.  But the added disappointment of spending another year away from what my heart longs to do just adds to my discontent.  

As difficult as this school year has been, it still is one of the most positive things in my life.  I enter every school day with a blank slate.  Today can be different.  Whatever negative incidents that happened yesterday are forgotten, and we move on.  Today we will be positive and do our best work. These are the messages I give my students, and I stand by their veracity.  I have tangible proof daily that good things can happen when a child is motivated and lives up to my high expectations for him or her.  My students are sweet and show me more love daily than quite frankly I deserve.  Every day I have the chance to return that love and build up their young spirits when they are feeling beaten down by those realities of childhood.  So, I take things day by day and sometimes hour by hour or minute by minute.  But I do see improvements, and those improvements will act as buoys on those turbulent days we have to face ahead.  

I wish my efforts could be as positive and effective in the other areas of my life.  I am no closer to becoming a mother now than I was 15 years ago when I first hoped to adopt a child.  Just this past week I have had two dreams of my father that have left me filled with sadness, regret, and the distinct knowledge that the grieving process isn't over for me. Physically, I feel a fatigue that seeps through my body and makes me lethargic.  I want to be more active but am usually worn out after a long day at work.  Exercising before work would mean getting up even earlier.  That 5:30 alarm is already becoming difficult to rise to.  And to top it all off I made the mistake of  reaching out recently to the man I loved and was rejected yet again.  Nothing seems to be improving despite my attempts to bring about positive change in my life.  Cue the tiny violins...

So, this school year isn't what I had envisioned at all.  But at least I know that as we progress through the year, I will be able to influence my students to live their lives in a more positive way. No matter how much they fight me every step of the way, I will still start every day with the same belief that today will be better. Their Monday morning letters and heart covered drawings will be their expressions of love and trust that will be returned by me unconditionally.  And even though it doesn't look like I will have a child of my own to carry on my legacy I realize that my true legacy will be carried out in the minds and hearts of my fourth graders.  I can only hope that this attitude will cross over into other areas of my life so that I can have maybe not the school year I envisioned in the spring but one that helps me build new dreams for the future.  

October

I love Autumn...it is by far my favorite season.  There are so many reasons that the end of September and the beginning of October hold a special place in my heart.  Quite selfishly I must admit that October is my favorite month of the year due to it being my birthday month.  Unlike some of my friends, I love celebrating my birthday and plan on doing so this year even though I'm slowly creeping up on the scary five-zero.  I hold on to birthday cards all year and drink in the heartfelt expressions of love that happen on that day.  I also have many beloved cousins and friends who share my birthday month which means I get to celebrate their lives and our astrological connections all month long.  While I technically am a Scorpio, I was born on the cusp (October 23rd) which means I have some Libra qualities as well.  I have always thought that my good qualities (caring for others, peacemaker, love of beauty in all its forms) were attributed to my Libra side while my nasty characteristics (let's just say you don't want to piss me off) were solidly Scorpion.  It's probably no surprise that most of my October birth-mates are Libras.  While Scorpios are known to be sexy and trusted holders of secrets, Libras definitely make better friends.

Another reason I love Autumn is the change in weather.  I am no fan of heat and humidity which seems to be heresy for most people.  I know my roots are in a small island off the mainland of Italy, but this little sapling withers in the sultry summer weather.  I recently discovered the joy of being on Cape Cod and truly can not wait to return.  However, what I loved about being on the Cape was the  brisk windy days and the beautiful ocean views.  Being on the beach and in the water held no charm for me.  One day in the far off future when taking a vacation in the fall will be possible, I know that Cape Cod (Chatham in particular) will be my first (and possibly only) destination. Living in London during the winter and spring of 1988 was one of my favorite periods in my life because of the weather.  Although England experienced the coldest and snowiest winter it had had in years, it felt like a New York Autumn to me without all the magnificence of changing colors of leaves.  The beauty of living in upstate New York in Autumn should go without saying, and adds to my love affair with the temperate season.  Maybe the fact that winter often sneaks up on us in New York is another reason why I love Autumn: it sometimes can be as short as 5 weeks.  You can all keep your Indian Summers; give me an Indian Autumn extending into December anytime.

Of course, my choice in occupation ranks high on the list of reasons I love Autumn.  Around the same time each year for the past 25 years, I have been introduced to 25 or so little people who end up taking a large part in both my thoughts and my heart.  The main reason I entered the profession of education is my love of nurturing children, and they continue to be the impetus for me not leaving the profession despite the increasing difficulties associated with being an elementary teacher in the state of New York (thanks so much for all the support, Mr. Cuomo).  Now, I know it's no secret that summer is welcome to all teachers because of the chance to refresh and renew during July and August, and I am no different.  By the time June rolls around, I am so ready for a break (although most summers are spent working on curriculum, my classroom, and/or some other job in order to supplement my income and to be prepared for the new class).  But once we are in the heart of summer, I am dreaming of the Fall.  Whether I'm rethinking my classroom management plan or reading new children's books to use in the new year, a good part of my summer is spent with an eye on the upcoming inauguration of a new school year.  And God help me, I love being a school teacher.

One last attraction of Autumn is the postseason of baseball.  As a RABID Yankee fan for the past 30 years, I have become accustomed to my team making it to the playoffs.  In fact, the postseason became a given for me in the glory years of 1996-2000. Mr. Joe Torre should be canonized as far as I am concerned.  Even when I see him today in his role as Executive Vice President of Baseball Operations, my heart flutters in appreciation of all that he has done to make me the smug and proud Yankee fan that I am (Really...if he needed a kidney, I'd give it to him with no questions asked). The glorious Core Four made up of Pettite, Posada, Jeter, and the holy Mariano Rivera always gave me a reason to rejoice as the calendar slowly moved to October.  The recent postseasons without the Yankees in the playoffs have been diminished, but that dark period is now over as my beloved team has reached the wild card one game elimination (gulp!).  While this may be their only appearance in the postseason, it still adds to my love affair with Autumn.

I guess the one common thread through all of these justifications for Autumn being the best season is that I like change.  Baseball strategy has to adapt to the circumstances surrounding the play offs from against whom the Yankees are playing to how Girardi decides to set up the pitching rotation.  The approach to the game needs to adapt to the changing conditions.  The slow transition from mainly green and brown leaves in the spring and summer to the vibrant reds, oranges,  yellows, and finally bare branches of the fall makes a commonplace trip from home to work a new journey of discovery almost every single day as more and more trees make the colorful transition.  Being able to start anew each school year rejuvenates me and continues to give me hope for the future. I meet a crop of new students full of great aspirations and surmountable obstacles which we can work together to fulfill and to overcome.  The cool Autumn breezes clear out the cobwebs from a summer spent miserably sweating or being over chilled in my air conditioned home.  The balance of warm and cool seems perfect during late September to early November (which is when winter usual hijacks Autumn).

As for the changes associated with my birthday month...well, here is where Autumn and I sometimes part ways.  For as much as I love celebrating my birthday, what I don't love is how my dreams for my future have had to change.  From having a child to continuing a relationship with a man I love, my aspirations for my personal life has changed immensely especially in the time period from last fall to this one.  Change to me is usually celebrated and welcomed with open arms...except when it comes to my relationships with others.  Whether it is facing the changing personality of my elderly mother as she becomes more and more dependent on her children or realizing that some relationships (both platonic and romantic) are meant to be in my life for one season only, I struggle with accepting these adjustments.  However, my faith in God, the Universe, and in myself is helping me come to terms with all the changes, both positive and negative,  in my life.

High and Dry

This year my colleagues and I have decided to hone in on teaching the interpretation of idioms in a weekly lesson.  Each week we are focusing on a different idiom, its intended meaning, and its literal meaning.  The kids seemed to be enjoying contrasting the literal meaning from the intended meaning.  Last week they drew themselves actually holding a horse in their arms when we talked about the meaning of "hold your horses".  I'm sure as we explore more idioms we will continue to have giggle-enhancing discussions about how silly the English language can be.

I was thinking about this as I was listening to my iPod this morning. and the song "High and Dry" came on.  At first the manic-teacher brain that I have thought, "Hey! Here's another idiom to add to our list" (it is hard to shut off this part of my brain even on beautiful days off like today).  But then I started thinking about the meaning of the song itself.  Now, before I go any further I should say that I don't know what the song is REALLY about.  I haven't read any articles on the songwriter's intention or inspiration for the lyrics (yes, I do tend to read articles on this kind of subject).  As a writer myself, I don't like to presume I know the meaning behind another author's words.  But like most people, I tend to give song lyrics my own spin of meaning based on my own life experiences.  And "High and Dry" really struck me as relevant to my life.

This past year I have had the wool pulled over my eyes yet again in my personal life.  I have written about this in several blog posts and don't want to rehash how betrayed I felt.  Instead, I now find myself looking back at the year and realizing that the person who  let me down is actually the one losing out.  I wonder if  he is reaping the consequences of the seeds he has sown (ok, mixed idioms there...anything to paint a clear picture)?  Just like Thom Yorke and the boys in Radiohead sing, it seems to me like my former friend is now learning to live his life without my friendship:

                 It's the best thing that you ever had, 
                 The best thing you ever, ever had
                 It's the best thing that you ever had, 
                The best thing you have had is gone away

                Kill yourself for recognition
                Kill yourself to never ever stop
                You broke another mirror
                You're turning into something you are not

When I looked back at my past relationships, I used to see myself as the one who was left.  I was the one who was the victim, and the other person was the one with all of the power.  But something strange has happened.  Somehow, I now find myself actually feeling sorry for the people who have left my life because I know that if it hasn't hit them yet, it will very soon.  They are going to feel what it's like to not have a faithful and loyal friend like me in their corner.  They are going to realize that now I'm one of the people who doesn't trust them.  I don't wish them ill (because try as I might, I can't stop loving a person once my heart has been committed to the friendship or romantic relationship). But I no longer will go out of my way to support or encourage their dreams.  While they are still working on attaining their selfish goals, I am looking to help and support and have fun with my loyal friends who have my best interests at heart.  

Another way that this song with its idiomatic title parallels my life experience lately is that just like every idiom ever spoken, it has two very distinct meanings.  The literal meaning of this song is straightforward and easy to decipher.  The singer is  first pleading not to be left and then telling his friend that he soon will be left.   The figurative meaning is debated on the internet.  I have seen meanings ranging from one lover taking another for granted to selling your soul by not living an authentic life.  Just as my kids giggled at the literal meaning of "hold your horses",I found these interpretations amusing because of the certainty in which they are written. Each of these internet posters are so convinced that their meaning is the correct one that they belittle the thoughts of other responders.  But that is how my interpretation of these lapsed relationships must have sounded to others.  "Oh, he does care about me.  He would call if only..." "I don't believe he would be mean to me on purpose." My naive viewpoint of these relationships were just as limited and "certain" as some of these internet comments.  NOW I can see the true meaning of the actions of these people.  NOW I realize that I was too trusting and too willing to see these people in a positive light instead of seeing what is so clear to me now: I didn't mean anything to these people.  I was a pawn, a means to an end, a way to bolster their lagging self-esteems.  

Luckily, I don't have to see these people a lot at all.  But a few weeks ago I did come face to face with one of them.  I knew I would be seeing him and was feeling nervous and apprehensive about it.  Despite knowing better I still had a sliver of hope that we would be able to repair our friendship.   Instead of being a decent person and saying hello to me, he just looked in an opposite direction.  To tell the truth, it did hurt. But I know in my heart that I'm better off without this person in my life. Although he cut me out of his life, I really believe that he must know by now what its like to not have me as a friend.  And I have to believe that the feeling isn't a great one.  I would like to say that I would be able to forgive these people if they ever wanted to be a part of my life again.  But I don't know if I"m that good of a person.  I don't wish them ill but I don't wish myself ill either.  Anyway, as my students will be learning this year...

                     Actions speak louder than words.  

                     The ball is in your court.  

                     It takes two to tango.  

But, really? C'mon... it's more likely that Elvis has left the building.  

Roll Away Your Stone

I've come to the conclusion that at the age of 47 I'm quickly approaching the end of middle age.  Looking back over my forties I can see evidence of some mid-life crisis events.  Leaving my first grade job in a great suburban school district at age 40...giving up on living in Rochester after only a year of Tim Horton and Wegman-land...buying a house in Albany despite wanting to live in Latham.  These decisions were all made rather quickly and maybe influenced by the "mid-life crisis" we hear so much about.  So, where does that leave me now?

At 47 soon to be 48 I certainly don't consider myself elderly.  I actually "feel" a lot younger now than I did at age 37.  My thirties were filled with lots of self-doubt and comparisons to my peers who all seemed to be married with children and well on their way to happily-ever-after status.  Depression reared its ugly head full force during my thirties, and I made some bad financial decisions of which I'm still feeling the effects.  When I was a teenager, 47 year olds were ancient to me yet I really thought that by the time I reached that age that I would have it all together.  God knows that is not the case in reality.  But at the same time I don't feel ancient.  

There is a young spirit inside of me that didn't feel allowed to show itself when I was younger.  I was too busy living by everyone else's rules and trying to live up to my own expectations that a lot of the joy I experience  now on a daily basis was nonexistent in my thirties.  So, what do I call this time of my life? What is the period in between being considered middle aged and elderly called? And how can I continue to nurture the youthful spirit inside of me so that it doesn't stagnate into the apathetic acceptance of old age? I'm not sure of the answers to the first two questions but here are some of my guesses for the third.

1. Keep on teaching. My students have always kept me young.  I'm sure you have heard that from many teachers and I do find it so true.  Every year I learn different things about pop culture, and this is primarily taught to me by my class.  I have had many people ask me why I haven't tried to go into administration or leave teaching all together for a different career, one not so dependent on the whims of whichever talking head is at the helm of the education department.  The answer is always the same: I would miss the kids too much.  I learned that during my three years spent as a literacy coach.  My students remind me that life can be exciting and a celebration even if it is only a jamboree over witnessing a bean seed finally sprouting after days of a whole lot of nothing happening.  Since it doesn't seem like I'll ever have a family of my own, these children are that much more special to me.  As I give everything to them all year, I receive the gift of a youthful perspective from them.

 2. Keep the iPod current.  There are some bands that I have been listening to for the past thirty years like the Rolling Stones, U2, and Bruce Springsteen and I will continue to listen to them for the next thirty.  However, with the advent of the iPod at the turn of the millennium  I have begun to make room for new artists on my play lists.  In fact the release date of the iPod was quite coincidentally on October 23, 2001 which also happened to be my 34th birthday.  The ease of pre-viewing songs at the Apple Online Store made it so much easier to hear and buy the music of contemporary bands like Imagine Dragons, Florence and the Machine, and Ed Sheeran.  I can honestly say that my play lists these days are populated by more bands that weren't even born when the Stones first hit the scene as opposed to my steady standbys of Fleetwood Mac and Queen.  Music is that fountain of youth for me that replenishes my spirit especially during weeks like the past one where the opening days of school were especially challenging.  As long as I keep a healthy balance of old friends like Crosby, Stills, and Nash and new friends like Mumford and Sons, I know that my soul will be dancing.  

3. Unload the pessimistic thoughts.  This whole blog is named after the next way I can stay vibrant.  My former viewpoint of life was pessimistic to say the least.  Actually, I often lived day to day with a worst-case mode of operation.  My anxious mind would jump to believing that only the worst thing possible would happen especially if I followed my gut instinct.  It made my world very small and my ambitions were often shot down before they even had a chance to fly.  Iwould feel sorry for myself and fail to appreciate the multiple blessings that were in my life.  Once I was given the medical designation of depression/anxiety, I was able to start working my way towards the light.  I opened up more with people who cared about me and began to take chances like walking into a gym without feeling disgust for my fat self.  I not only began to think better about my future but also started to give people the benefit of the doubt.  The judgmental side of me quieted down and the empathic side helped me understand that I may not know the hardships that others have battled through.  Becoming more optimistic has often created a self-fulfilling prophecy that has drawn even more blessings my way.  

4. Unload the style dos and don'ts.  I'm very proud of the personal style that I have built over the years.  From my 1960s style cat eye frames to my short spiky hair, I am pretty happy with the choices I have made the last few years.  The Fran of the 90s would make a change in her personal appearance and feel validated only if and when others admired it.  If I changed my hair color and no one commented on it, I was convinced that everyone hated it but were too nice to say anything (see number 3).  In fact, I feel that my need for validation is what has aged me and  damaged my spirit more than anything else.  I would look to magazines like Glamour and Elle to tell me what I should be wearing each season and feel worthless because often the clothing items were made to be worn on size 6s or smaller.  Since I am a heavier woman, I have had to search hard and long for style icons to emulate.  Luckily, I have found some in both the entertainment world (Adelle and author Jennifer Lancaster) and in my personal life ( a close friend who is not a size 6 yet ALWAYS is the best dressed person in the room).  I am confident enough now in my ability to put myself together that I am making choices that go against trends yet make me happy. In a few weeks, I will be dying my hair a fun color and I can't wait to see how it changes my look.  Excitement like this almost makes my spirit laugh out loud with giddiness.  

Maybe it doesn't matter what I call this stage in my life.  As long as I do everything I can to keep my spirit buoyant and bubbly, age really will only be a number.  

Better Days

I started and stopped writing this blog post at least 5 times in the past two weeks.  Even now I'm looking around the room, trying to put it off.  It's actually pretty funny because this procrastination is directly related to my ambivalence over the topic I need (not want) to write about.  Putting things in written form has always been a way for me to solidify my thoughts and to nudge me into action.  I think my avoidance techniques have been my spirit's way of saying "Nope, not ready for any of this to be true".  But, as I read earlier on an internet site, "It's hard to accept the truth when the lies were exactly what you wanted to hear".  So...here goes.

I have a lot of trouble with letting go.  That phrase has a few different meanings, and I have trouble with each and every one of them.  "Letting go" could have to do with not worrying about what others think of you and just living your life as you see fit.  The good little Catholic schoolgirl in me never was any good at living her truth.  I followed rules and led the life that was expected of me, rarely stopping to think about what I wanted out of life.  People-pleasing is a condition that I have made some progress with, but the word "no" still doesn't roll off the tongue.  Thankfully, my forties have been a stage in my life where I am making some strides in "letting go" and just being me.  I like who I am and am less hesitant to reveal myself.  

Another connotation of the phrase "letting go" has to do with not holding on to grudges.  I've written about this difficulty before and how hard it is for me when I feel that I've been betrayed.  It is not something I'm proud of, and I consider it my worst fault.  I think the reason it is so hard for me is that it takes a lot for me to completely trust other people.  When I first meet someone, it takes a while for me to feel comfortable enough to really open up.  Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that when he/she first met me, I seemed like a nice, quiet, and easy going person.  At every new job that I've taken on, it has taken me at least a few months before the sarcastic and outgoing side of me comes to the surface.  When that happens it is really comical because some people don't see it coming.  I have left more than a few jaws dropped after using the "f" word a bit too liberally.  Once I become this comfortable around a person he/she can be assured that I trust them completely.  Unfortunately, I can go from 0-60 on the trusting scale pretty quickly once that happens.  The bad side of being so trusting so completely is that I can become quite naive and can form expectations that sometimes are just too high for others to live up to.  This is where some of my worst grudges have been born.  Thank God, I'm starting to recognize this and to work through the "expectation hangover" (great book I'm reading now) to help avoid grudges.  I'm learning that even when situations don't turn out the way I want them to, I still have all the resources I need to go on.  

But it's the last connotation of "letting go" that is the hardest one for me to deal with.  This has to do with letting go of trying to control situations and people in my life.  This is the letting go that led me to have the words "let go" tattooed on my arm.  I do believe that the Universe wants us all to be happy and productive members of society.  But I have a stubborn tendency to hold on to situations and people who are not meant to be in my life.  When I was younger, I really think this had to do more with my insecurities than with being stubborn.  Like I said earlier, I did what was expected of me and because of that I felt that certain areas of my life would unfold just as planned.  After all, I studied hard, went to college, became a teacher, and moved out of my parents' house (a big no-no for single Italian women) all before the age of 23.  I saw a direct correlation between doing well in school and getting a teaching position.  I never stopped to think of all the other hard-working students who weren't lucky enough to get that interview or to stumble into the perfect situation of living with two great roommates. I figured my efforts were the only cause of all the good things coming into my life. Now I know that luck and timing are two variables that can and do throw a wrench into the best laid plans.  

The school year officially starts for my fourth graders tomorrow, and I am excited to meet them and begin our journey together.  But to do this whole-heartedly I need to let go (for now) of my long-standing wish to teach first grade again.  I need to put those plans to the side and wait for the timing and for luck to finally tap me on the shoulder.  I've also had to experience letting go of a friendship that meant a lot to me.  I don't know exactly why this friendship had to end but suspect that timing is a big part of why.  Normally, I like to figure out what every broken relationship was meant to teach me but trying to figure this one out has me baffled.  And instead of continuing to bang my head against the wall in order to find some silver lining, I've decided that I have to just... let. it. go.  Unlike the goal of teaching first grade, this relationship isn't one that I can return to at a later date.  This person has totally frozen me out of his life, and there is nothing I can do to change it.  No amount of hand-wringing, self-doubt, mea culpas, or wishful thinking will bring him back into my life.  This is the cause of a lot of sadness for me, and I'm doing my best to work through it.  But for now, I will focus on my fabulous fourth graders and work on helping them reach their goals.  Even though  I am being forced to let go of situations and people who mean a lot to me, I won't be bitter.  Instead, I will try to mine the memories of better days for the happiness they left behind.  

Bittersweet Symphony

In my last blog post I talked about taking a chance on a job situation that would finally get me where I wanted to be in my career.  Unfortunately, just like all the bettors who were so sure of American Pharaoh's victory at Saratoga I was given an ice cold shower of reality when I didn't get the position I wanted.  On the one hand, I was glad I found out when I did (last Monday) because it meant that I could go ahead and set up my current classroom without having to worry about taking it all down again.  And as the week went on I started to get swept up in all the preparations for the school year with all the excitement and hopeful feelings that go along with getting ready for a new group of students.  However, today I find myself being confronted with the disappointment of not reaching yet another goal.  This year alone I have lost a close friendship, a dear cousin, and a chance to become a mother.  I'm feeling sad, discouraged, and dejected. 

I usually find a lot of solace in reading and writing and every so often I come across a book that seems to be destined to be read by me.  I call these books my God-inspired books because I believe that I stumble onto these titles because they contain messages from the Universe that are just what I need at that time.  Last week I picked up a book solely because of its title: Expectation Hangover: Overcoming Disappointment in Work, Love, and Life .  I could easily relate to the juxtaposition of the incredible high of having an unrealistic expectation and the jagged pain associated with paying for that high when your hopes aren't realized. This book suggests that  one of the key elements of getting through this painful time is to ask yourself "What am I learning?" rather than "Why is this happening?".  It also suggests that when faced with this kind of hangover it is essential to remind yourself that you are strong enough to get through the alternate scenario instead of being afraid of what reality has handed you.  When you deal with the consequences of having a dream unfulfilled, it gives you the courage and self-confidence you need when going after your next goal.  It all sounds very helpful and healthy, right? Too bad it's all bullshit.  

I DO want to know why this is happening.  I'm tired of learning lessons and being the positive optimist who always finds a way to turn lemons into lemonade.  Why does everything in my life seem to be at loose ends while truly horrible people are out there getting every need and wish fulfilled? I don't want to take away anything from those who have striven to reach their goals and make their dreams come true. But why are their dreams supported while mine have been swatted down like annoying gnats? I have tried to live my life in a way that makes me proud but right now I am angry at the world.  If being positive and working hard to reach my goals is rewarded with yet another disappointment, why even bother?  As terrible as it may sound, I'm tired of being grateful for what I have. I know there are others who would give anything to be where I am at my life.  But there are just as many people who have fallen into situations that I would kill for.  I want to know why and I'm not satisfied to hear any pat answers.  I want to know what the grand plan of my life is and why fate is dragging me along kicking and screaming.  But as the Glimmer Twins wrote so eloquently, "You can't always get what you want". 

Of course, I realize that this rant will do nothing to improve my situation.  I also know that in the end the more I struggle against the present situation, the more enmeshed I will become in the negativity.  But one thing I have (grudgingly) learned this year is that I need to stop trying to distract myself from my negative feelings.  The energy I used to spend on pretending everything was peachy keen just pushed me deeper and deeper into the muck of depression.  So, I will let the bittersweet symphony that is my life play on...for now.  Like all musical scores, it will crest at a certain point and then ease off into a silent peace that will leave me thankful once again.  

While You See A Chance

2015 has been quite a year so far.  I've experienced many wonderful days and some downright soul-crushing ones.  On the plus side, I've formed a strong friendship with my teaching partners who the previous year were just people I said hello to as we passed in the hallway.  They have helped me laugh my way through more than one stressful situation.  Unfortunately,  the great balance of Life took away another important person in my life, my cousin Michael.  His death reverberated through my soul and still stabs at my heart as I'm sure it will continue to do for the rest of my life. Throw in a failed adoption and a broken heart, and the violins start to play.  Through it all, I have been struggling with trying to find out what my place in this world really is all about.  This blog has helped me clarify the importance of writing and communicating with others in my life.  My scribbles here have helped cement the importance of writing in my life.  My work with Dr. T. has supported me during some of the lows of this past year and continues to give me food for thought on how to live a more authentic life.  And the one truth that has floated to the surface is that I have been giving away too much of my power and not living the life I want to live.

I have always struggled with the "nice girl" syndrome.  And nice girls are not strong.  Some call it "people pleasing" and although it sounds very positive, it actually has been a way for me to play the victim for way too long.  By not standing up for what I believe to be just and true, time and time again I have allowed others make decisions that affected my life. The core of the problem is that I have remained passive in some of the most important decisions of my life.  From pushing away my desire to adopt a child (ages 30-40) to taking a job I wasn't sure I wanted mainly because of the high salary, I have wasted so much time simply by  not taking the action I wanted to take.  This is, I believe, how my depression became so rampant at times because inside I knew that I wasn't living an authentic life.  It was so easy to point the finger of blame at others: My parents' constant disapproval of adoption is why I missed my window of opportunity.  Or  My heart was broken because HE led me to believe we wanted the same thing.  By meekly following the lead of others instead of finding my own path in life, all I accomplished was feeling unfulfilled, bitter, and sometimes despondent.  

But the strong, independent, and not-so-much-nice-girl Eleanor Roosevelt once said something that really resonates with me today:

I can continue to play the victim and blame others for the unhappiness I feel.  The "good girl" crown would remain on my head, but I'm pretty sure that I would end up alienating the very people I'm so desperately trying to please.  Or I can try something more brave.  I can choose to throw off the passive-perfectionist cape I've worn for so long and instead make the decisions that I feel will make me happy.  Another goal of mine is to stop taking what others are saying about me (which includes what I "think" they are saying about me, super mind-reader that I am) to heart.  What others think about me is none of my business, and if I let it bother me, then the fault is all mine.  

Surface appearances can be very deceiving.  My tattoos, new hair color(a little silver and blue streak), and general confident demeanor may lead people to believe that I'm tougher than I really am.  But what really is making me strong is my commitment to making my own decisions and letting go of resentments I have towards people who I have allowed to affect how I feel about myself.  It's not easy but it is freeing.  I'm currently trying to make a change in my professional life which a lot of people important to me don't understand or support.  I'm also going to try and mend a few important relationships that have been damaged by my "poor me" attitude.  But I'm no longer taking the lack of support from others as insulting or even personal.  I see my chance and I'm going to take it.  And if I fail? I won't let it destroy me.  I'd rather fail at attaining a goal I set for myself than succeed at reaching goals set for me by others.  

The Tide is High...

Last year I  decided that at the age of 46 I was going to cross off one of the items on my bucket list that actually had been a goal since I was a teenager: I started taking guitar lessons.  While it wasn't my first time having private lessons, it was the first time that the lessons came solely from me wanting to play music.  When I was 11 or 12 my father surprised me with a piano for my birthday (I guess I told him once or twice that I would like to play the piano).  Now apart from it being a way over the top gift for any child, it also was a gift that I really enjoyed...at first.  But it soon became another thing for me to judged about (in my anxious mind) and I soon grew to seeing it as a responsibility more than a pleasure activity.  Although I took over 5 years of lessons,  I rarely played in front of people.  I would get so nervous that I would make a mistake that the whole idea of playing formed a nervous knot in my stomach.  Whenever we had company over, I dreaded the lull in the conversation when my father would inevitably say "France (Dad never quite got the second syllable of Frances in there), play something on the piano for us".  On the occasions that I was persuaded to do so all I could think was "I can't wait for this to be over!". Not exactly the makings of a dedicated musician.  When I finally was allowed to stop taking lessons, I briefly thought about the guitar but quickly discounted that idea because I was sure the same thing would happen all over again. I was done being the entertaining monkey at family gatherings.

I first began thinking about taking lessons in 2008-2009 when I was living in Rochester, NY.  They have a guitar store there that had more guitars in one place than I had ever seen before.  I went into the store and tried out a few guitars but never made the leap to purchasing one and signing up for lessons.  When I finally got back into teaching after being a literacy coach and unemployed for a while, I decided that I didn't want to put off this dream any longer.  So, I went to the local music store, chose a guitar, and started lessons.  I found that my previous training in piano did help me a bit but that's where the similarities ended.  Now when I practice my guitar the problem is to find the time rather than finding the motivation to practice.  The adult Fran knows that the more I practice, the better I will get.  I view my chord exercises as simple songs that are getting me ready to play more complex pieces.  I probably have several pieces of clothing older than my guitar teacher, Mike, but he is a patient, talented, and encouraging teacher.  I look forward to my lessons and have learned songs from CSN, Ed Sheeran , Queen, and Bob Dylan just to name a few.  I go back to songs I have learned just to be sure I can remember how to play them.  And I smile and relax as I am strumming my acoustic.

My intention in writing today wasn't just to document my journey to actually learning how to love playing an instrument.  Something small happened while I was playing the other day that turned out to be a microcosm of my life at the current moment.  I am learning how to play R.E.M.'s song "The One I Love" and there is a beginning piece that is a bit complicated for me to play (damn you, Mike Mills!).  Well, as I was practicing the other day I was intently looking at the notes when I noticed something.  My entire body was rigid.  My teeth were clenched, my fingers were tense, and my arms were stiff.  I immediately relaxed everything and tackled the notes again.  As soon as I hit the first string, however, the same tense stance came back into play.  I realized that when I was learning a new piece my body often went into this strained position which couldn't be good for any learning to take place.  I decided to purposely relax the hold on my guitar and the muscles in my arms and face.  It felt so much more comfortable playing those notes although as of today's practice session, I still don't have them down.  I allowed myself to just play the notes as well as I could and then progress to the part of the song that was much easier for me to strum.  

I think this intense focus can be used to bring about a lot of good in my life.  I'm sure this is part of the reason why I have always interviewed really well and why I'm able to analyze different standards and strategies and apply them successfully to the students in front of me.  This piercing desire to provide the best instruction I can has helped me develop into a very responsive teacher which I believe has benefited my students immensely.   However, I'm discovering that this same intensity can also blind me to possibilities and patterns that I would normally see quite easily.  For instance, long ago I had a student who refused to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance.  He was a Canadian citizen and did not feel the need to salute the flag.  Since I was a young teacher and did not have the flexibility so needed when you are dealing with pre-adolescent children, I insisted he stand and made a huge deal about it.  Now that I have a wider viewpoint and have had to deal with problems much more serious than not standing for the pledge, I can see how my stubborn stance turned something small into a huge problem.  This boy's  refusal to stand for the pledge was just the tip of the iceberg of rebellion that was streaming through his veins.  If I had been more understanding, more open to his real problem (being angry that both of his parents left him with relatives  while they went to work in NYC), I could have built a bond with him instead of the rift that I caused which never really got mended (He is still the student that I feel "got away" from me). 

This "tunnel vision" which I had when practicing the difficult part of the song and displayed when trying to change the behavior of a student has reared its head again in my life.  In my career I have taught all the elementary grades except for third grade.  By far, the most productive and pleasurable time of my professional life is when I was teaching first grade.  The reasons for this are plentiful: I love teaching kids how to read; I love helping them discover the joy of writing their own stories; I can do the math with no problem at all (fifth grade math has progressively become so difficult as any parent of a fifth grader will tell you).  But most of all the growth and development of the child from September to June is unlike any other grade level.  This is what I'm addicted to: seeing my students grow SO much in 9 short months.  I have been trying to get back to first grade ever since I (stupidly) gave up my position in 2008.  I thought I was going to get my chance both last year and this year but it isn't meant to be.  And this has been very hard to accept.  I have cried over not getting  the opportunity to teach the little ones. I have envied those of my friends who are lucky enough to get to work with their new group of first graders.  I have misdirected my anger at family members who have nothing to do with whether or not I get the chance to teach the little ones.  I have focused only on my loss and not allowed myself to feel the excitement of a new school year which, even after 25 years, I usually feel every August.  

So, I am using this blog post to officially relax into the new school year. Just as a surfer needs to relax into his stance, I am relaxing into my comforting routines of August.   I used part of today to go over my class list and create contact forms for my summer phone calls.  I know several of the students who are coming to me this year in fourth grade, and they are little loves.  The tunnel vision is off, and I'm thinking about all the changes that my most excellent team mates and I talked about installing for this year.  And speaking of my team mates, I am reminding myself how lucky I am to have grade level colleagues who help make my job so much fun in the first place.  As much as I wanted to leave fourth grade, the people (both students and adults) make me so glad I stayed.

I'm not giving up my goal of getting back to first grade. And I'm sure there will be more than a few times that I look over  wistfully at the little ones in line, their index finger on their lips and their hands on their hips, as they file past me and my gigantic fourth graders.  But I'm not going to let it distract me anymore from the fact that I have a rewarding job and a multifaceted career in education that I have proudly built one step at a time.  Eventually, the tide will turn and I will be "good enough" to make it back to first grade.  

You Gotta Be...

The topic of acceptance has been a theme running through my life lately.  I've had more than a few disappointments this year and a few life-changing incidents from which I'm still reeling.  Trying to accept things the way they are is a daily struggle but one that I know I need to participate in so that I can more forward in a positive and confident manner.  As I have stated earlier in this blog, I like to plan things out which really is a nice way of saying I can be a control freak.  I have found that this quality is the direct antithesis to a life guided by acceptance.  So, I decided that I was going to try and break things down to what is real in my life and what is my distorted image of reality.  

I asked on Facebook for people to describe me in 3 words or less knowing fully that a question like that would most likely inspire positive words and I was right.  With the exception of one cousin who sarcastically answered my question (scary, crazy, ugly...love you too, cuz!), people were more than generous with their descriptions.  Before I received any replies, I wrote down what I thought were my applicable words.  When I compared the lists, I was surprised to find that there were two qualities that came up very often on my friends' lists that did not even appear on my list: funny and caring.  Now, I know that these two qualities are definitely a large part of my identity yet when I reflected on ways to describe myself, they were left out.  Why had I discounted these two positive qualities yet included more than a few negative qualities (stubborn, naive, short-sighted)? Why do I have such a hard time acknowledging or accepting the likable parts of my personality?

I know some of it has to do with how I was brought up.  My parents were not braggarts although their accomplishments as business people and survivors are too numerous to list here.  They also did not hold to the current parenting techniques of building up a child's self-esteem or even acknowledging the strengths of their children (no tiny violins needed here...they were raising us the best way they knew how).  So the thought of being proud of our positive qualities really never was encouraged.  Now, the parts of our personalities that needed to be "fixed"....that they had plenty to say about.  So much so that Dr. T and I spend a lot of time trying to get those perfectionist voices out of my head.  Because here's the thing: if you only give attention to the negative qualities of your personality, then that is what you freely acknowledge and accept about yourself.  I am learning that to be a whole person with a balanced view of one's life, you have to be willing to celebrate your strengths as well as resolving to work on your weaknesses.  Otherwise, when life throws the inevitable curve balls that it always does, you won't have a clear view of how to deal with it.  Instead of striking out at the plate by playing the victim or blaming myself totally, I need to see the curve ball for what it is: a temporary stumbling block that has already come and gone.  

I am trying to work though this life lesson by using the characters of Seinfeld to reflect on a recent disappointment (remember those curve balls I was just talking about? stay with me here). My feelings for a friend turned romantic, and I have spent a lot of time trying to accept the situation as it now stands (he won't speak to me and clearly wants nothing to do with me).  As painful as this acceptance is  I need to not only strive for it but to embrace it fully if I intend on moving on with my life.  Here are the parts of my personality that have been at work so far.  

The George Factor - The "George" part of my personality believes that I did nothing wrong and am a total victim of the situation.  At the same time, this part of my personality thinks that this disappointment was inevitable because things never work out for me.  Just as George never seems to find the woman or job of his dreams, I believe that fate has only provided me one disappointment after another.  Even when George had his dream job (an executive for the New York Yankees...c'mon! perfection!) he still finds ways to destroy that blessing through his own insecurities.  If George could have just stopped and appreciated what he had for what it was, he would have been happier.  I also could benefit from just appreciating the friendship I had with this man. and the lessons that I have learned from the situation.

The Elaine Factor- The "Elaine" part of me is the part that puts on the act of having everything together.  Just like the character pretends not to care less when Jerry or George have a new dilemma in their lives, on the outside I have pretended that the loss of this man from my life means nothing to me.  Elaine always seemed in public to be the most put-together of the quartet, yet we the viewers get to see her at her worst like when she falls for a "wake-up" caller or a Blockbuster movie critic who turns out to be a teenager.  Pretending that I'm okay when I'm not is a life-long habit that I'm hoping to overcome through the act of acceptance.  When I feel the pain of missing this person, I am going to try and just let that feeling happen instead of desperately trying to find a way to push it away.  

The Jerry Factor- Since Jerry was the star of the show, it makes sense that his character is the one that all the others revolve around.  Most of the time he is the voice of reason in the cockamamie plans of his friends. There are numerous examples of times that Jerry would try to convince George that a scheme of his just wasn't going to work (i.e. shoplifting from a pharmacy because he felt the clerk didn't give him the right amount of change, slipping a "mickey" to a former boss in order to get revenge, going back to post-lesbian Susan for a relationship).  Even though we usually saw him as the voice of reason, there were also memorable times when Jerry let himself get swept up in George's ideas (i.e. I believe it's called menage a trois; getting engaged to settle a bet).  Yes, I am an intelligent and caring person as my friends so nicely wrote but I'm also the woman who fell for someone who was totally unavailable and proceeded to spend many months thinking he felt the same way.  I need to accept the fact that although I was wrong about how this other person felt, I did feel love for him which in itself isn't a bad thing.  It also was something I couldn't control so the guilt I feel needs to be let go as well (that's a hard one to deal with but I'm trying).  

The Kramer Factor- Although it might seem unlikely, Kramer is actually the character whom I feel is the most mentally healthy of the four friends.  He accepts whatever comes his way and finds a way to incorporate it into his life seamlessly (one hour is too long to take a shower? no problem...just install a garbage disposal in the shower and prepare veggies for dinner at the same time as cleaning up).  He doesn't keep his feelings pent up (returns peaches that aren't up to par and tells off the fruit guy) and rarely lets anyone else's assessment of him affect how he feels about himself (who cares if Jerry thinks having levels or the Mike Donahue set in his apartment is weird).  Kramer lives his life according to what he feels is right and accepts people for who they are, including himself.  Yes, I'm striving to become more Kramer-like (minus the humidity beat-up hair).  The nascent Kramer part of my personality is slowly working on accepting that love doesn't always make sense.  Sometimes love comes into your life just for the experience itself.  Even though it may bring about the feelings of sadness or guilt, the act of loving is still worth the risk.  And Kramer was always up for the next big thing whether it was becoming the guest of honor for the Mentally Challenged Awards dinner with Mr. Mel Torme or achieving his life-long dream of being an actor by appearing on Murphy Brown.  

I will take my lead from Kramer and accept all that life throws my way.  Hopefully, I can do it with more grace than Elaine shows on the dance floor.

Fight Song

 I am a habitual planner.  It is one of the qualities that I think makes me an effective teacher (APPR system be damned!).  This characteristic has always been both a blessing and a curse because of my natural tendencies towards having anxiety. After all  when you can't go out with friends unless you plan out your outfit, what you will drink, when you will stop drinking, how you will wear your hair, and all the other things I would obsess about, it can be pretty detrimental. However, for the most part I have always considered my systematic way of thinking as an aide in helping me reach many of the goals I have set for myself.  That was until this morning...

Last night I posted on Facebook that I wanted to finally begin a running program to help turn me from the couch potato that I am today into a more healthy person who runs.  I have always both admired and pitied runners; admiring their stamina and dedication to a sport and pitying their obvious mental abnormalities (how else do you describe a desire to run in 90 degree weather or in the pouring rain?).  But around 2 years ago I decided I that I wanted to join the cult and perhaps run a 5K.  So, I began my plan to do just that.  I researched the best running shoes and purchased them.  I joined a gym that had a running track and began walking.  I read blogs about people who were once even more overweight than I was and still managed to run that first 5K plus hundreds of others that followed.  I reached out to friends who had the running addiction for motivation.  I even had specific playlists planned out for what I planned to be my 3x weekly runs.  I did everything a person could possibly do to prepare for a run and then...didn't run.  

Well, I did try to run at the gym.  Unfortunately, the day I decided to try and run I had planned to do so  for 1 minute after walking for 5 minutes (just like the couch to 5K system suggested).  But when I started my jogging pace I realized quickly that I couldn't run for longer than 5 seconds.  After trying this a few times on the track, I simply gave up.  As the other people on the track were walking faster than I was "running", I just shut down and stopped.  I put the sneakers aside (because, of course,  I planned on using them for running only) and reaffirmed that I would never be able to reach this goal. While I may not have actually said that, subconsciously I believed it.  All because I couldn't reach the  goal I set for myself for that day (i.e. run for 1 minute).  

I felt ashamed and discouraged and decided that this was a goal for other people.  You know, other people who were already fit.  Other people who were more determined to lose weight. Other people who didn't care what they looked like when they ran.  Other people who weren't me.  Looking back now, I can't believe how hard I was on myself and how easily I just gave up.  I have learned a lot about mindsets lately and how they influence whether or not progress is made in life goals (Mindset by Carol Dweck is a book EVERYONE should read), and it is crystal clear to me that I had a fixed mindset because I believed that I wasn't a runner so I couldn't run.  I would never become a runner because I couldn't run.  To even try to run was futile because...say it with me...I couldn't run.  

 I had gone to bed reading many encouraging comments that people had written on my Facebook post and felt quite supported although I still wasn't sure I could do it.  Then an incredible thing happened...I woke this morning (about 2 hours before I "planned" to) and said to myself, "I'm going to go for a run." I got up, threw on some clothes, dug out the old running shoes, threw a headband on, took the dogs out, stretched for a few minutes, and off I went.  I began walking briskly and then I started running.  OK, it was only for 10 seconds once again but after a few more minutes of walking I did it again.  I worked up to 20 seconds of running which to me felt like I did a 5 minute mile (I'm assuming that is a good pace...haven't researched it yet).  While it was a small accomplishment, to me it was such an important lesson that NIKE tried to teach me years ago: Just Do It! Instead of "trying" to run, I am GOING to run.  Whether it is for 20 seconds, 20 minutes, or 20 miles, it will happen.  

As long as I can fight that part of me that insists on planning out every detail out to the last minute, then I know that I will reach my goal of running a 5K.  With my incredible friends in my corner, how can I lose? 

I've Got The Music In Me

I was reading an article this morning about what how our musical preferences can actually reflect the way our minds function.  While I understand why teenagers and older people who strive to go beyond what "the establishment" say is allowable may be more drawn to rebellious music like punk rock or grunge music, I often wonder what that means for someone like me whose tastes are so eclectic.  If as the article states "People’s musical choices seem to be a mirror of who they are" (Carolyn Gregoire, "What Your Favorite Songs Can Tell You About The Way Your Brain Works"), then what do the songs I listen to most say about me? I went to my iPhone and found the playlist of the songs I have played the most.  Hold on to your hats...let's see what my music says about my brain:

"Forever Young" covered by Audra Mae and The Forest Rangers
Of course, this is the classic Bob Dylan song that proclaims the love and hopes for the future from a parent to his child.  Dylan's version is sweet but nowhere near as lush sounding as this one uses more than an acoustic guitar to fill in the background.  The fact that this version I love so much is tied to the violent motorcycle drama, "Sons of Anarchy", lends a different layer to understanding my brain.  I am not a motorcycle rider nor do I ever wish to be one, so the appeal isn't tied to that aspect of the show (although I would be hard pressed to say no to anything that Charlie Hunnam suggests).  But considering some of the "family values" ( Hamlet connections with some Oedipal qualities thrown in) that are inherent in this show, maybe this is what we can glean about me:
Musical Mind Connection: Don't fu@& with my family because I will hurt you...probably with the help of other family members.  

"She Thinks I Still Care" covered by James Taylor

This classic country song was written by Dickey Lee and Steve Duffy during an era where names like "Dickey" were perfectly acceptable.  Anyway, I thought that George Jones was the only previous cover of the song, but a quick internet check showed that Connie Francis, Elvis Presley, and Patti Loveless also have covers! Now if that isn't an eclectic mix, I don't know what to call it.  I usually have little use for country music beyond some Willie Nelson,  Dolly Parton, and (from this millennium) the Dixie Chicks.  But James Taylor? I would listen to him sing the Barney song.  The meaning of the song revolves around a lovelorn person trying to convince everyone else he isn't nursing a broken heart.  When the climax of the song erupts with James' voice ascending to that sweet note only James can reach ("...and went all to pieces"), I know what the connection to my brain is:

Musical Mind Connection: I will overthink every emotional decision I ever make and deny that I am thinking about anything at all...until I finally break down and write a miserable blog post. Or drink a bottle of scotch...and break an ankle while trying to fly out of a limousine (consider yourself lucky if you don't get that last reference).  

"Girlfriend in a Coma" The Smiths
OK, this is the first time I've ever seen the video that goes along with this song, and it is just as confusing as the song's lyrics are.  What I have always loved about the song is how the sweet melody is such a mismatch for the heavy topic of the song which appears to be the last moments of life for Morrissey's "girlfriend "(this was the 80s after all, pre-gay rights and reality television inspired by the likes of Caitlin Jenner).   Watching the video and thinking about how it horribly parallels the  situation that Bobbi Kristina Brown finds herself in now makes me think it is about a man physically abusing his lover (allegedly) to the point of putting her in a coma which is nothing to poke fun about.  Yet...the part of the song where Morrissey sweetly sings "Bye bye  baby, goodbye" makes me think of a totally different scenario.  As I sing it along with Morrissey I can't help but picture the face of a woman who "stole" a man from me years ago. And, God forgive me, I smile every time I sing that line. I picture this woman, who tormented me for years after she and said asshole got together, slowly drifting away in a hospital bed and me looking down on her and smiling (I know, I'm going to hell).   I took the high road in real life but what goes on in my imagination is no holds barred! 
Musical Mind Connection:  Once I'm in a relationship, do not interfere.  Because quicker than you can say "That bitch is crazy!", I will cut you...in my mind.  The reality of my reaction will be pale compared to the grudge I carry  which will fuel me for years.  

"Trip Through Your Wires"- U2
Well, you knew there had to be a U2 song somewhere in this blog.  For those of you that don't know, the title of this blog is taken from one of my favorite U2 songs, "Grace", and U2, more than any other band, have shaped who I am as a person.  My love for Ireland? Directly connected to U2. My philanthropic/liberal viewpoints? Influenced by the topics I learned about through their music.  But my brain? Hmmm...let's see.  This song is clearly about sex.  "Angel? Angel or Devil?/ I was thirsty/And you wet my lips" "I was down/ And you lifted me honey" "You, you set my desire/ I trip through your wires".  Yup, Bono is singing about being grateful about having sex after perhaps a dry spell (the song is from the desert inspired The Joshua Tree album, after all).  But U2 fanatics like me are always looking for a deeper meaning behind the lyrics.  Here is an actual quote from a fan about what he thinks the song may be about: Perhaps this song is about how easy it is for people to be swayed to the dark side when the "devil" can appear just as attractive and kind as an angel. When I think of "Trip", I think of a man who is lost and dying out in the desert and the first person he sees; the first person who shows him mercy, is really the devil in disguise. This song sort of demonstrates how easily humanity can be tricked and corrupted. How a human being's willingness to see only the good in other people can be their ultimate downfall.  
Let me make this clear: I absolutely love this interpretation.  It is overthinking at its finest! That is what makes me a fanatic.  But in the end I feel that this is as spiritual a song as "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye.
Musical Mind Connection: While I believe that having sex within a committed relationship is one of the most natural things in the world, I WILL find a way to make it way more complicated than it is.  And like most women I feel that sex is never just sex...it clearly is a way to be "tricked and corrupted".  Because people really suck. 

Well, that wasn't quite the uplifting note I wanted to leave you with but I think I have proved the article's point.  Your musical choices do reflect parts of you.  I hope you will take the time to reflect on your own musical choices and see what self-discoveries you can uncover.  Let me know if you need Dr. T's number if you are disturbed by what you find out.