I'm Not Angry

My job requires me to be patient and supportive all day long.  I have learned how to compartmentalize my personal life and problems to keep them separate from my "teacher personality".  This is especially important this year as I have one of the most challenging classes that I have had in a long time.  These students want to learn, but many of them face such daunting circumstances in their young lives that I know my first job is to make sure they know they are safe and loved when they walk into the room.  I often have to defuse situations and find myself de-escalating confrontations between students on a daily basis.  Although I am far from perfect (I have lost my cool a few times already this year), I am pleased with how I have managed this class so far.  Some of my toughest students are making progress in learning how to manage their own behaviors and how to get along with peers.  While reading, writing, and arithmetic are still the important 3 Rs, I am more than satisfied that self-restraint is a goal that my students are working towards.

I wish I could be as proud of how I have handled situations when the teacher mask comes off.  This year more than any other year I find myself spouting negativity into conversations.  I find that I have a short trigger when it comes to anything I view as a transgression.  If there is even a hint of someone saying or doing something that doesn't meet my standard, I am suddenly bitching and complaining instead of trying to find a way to "make it work".  Minor irritants like careless drivers and rude sales clerks have triggered my temper and produced overblown reactions.  Signing in at work the other day, I greeted a colleague with such a sarcastic comment that he was physically taken aback.  I immediately apologized and started to think I was truly changing into one of "those people".

You know the kind of person I'm talking about.  The person who walks into a room and drags a black cloud along with him.  The person who can stop a conversation cold with a sharp comment.  The person who no one wants to sit near because she will immediately start complaining and bring you down to her level.  Typically, I am the direct opposite of "those people". In fact, I have often taken being a people pleaser to an extreme.   One of the things I most like about myself is that I try to make others feel better and am quite sensitive to the moods and temperaments of others.  I think it is a quality that makes me a successful teacher.  However, this year I find myself using this skill and STILL finding a way to make a bad situation worse.  I misinterpret the meaning of an off-handed comment and we're off to the races! Suddenly, my mind is whirling with reasons to be offended.  

So, why is this happening? Part of it may be the fact that I do feel the pressure of teaching in New York State in the 21st century.  When your profession is constantly targeted and torn apart publicly,  it does make one quite defensive.  Having to keep my cool all day long with this demanding class also may contribute to my explosive mood swings.  But I think there is more to it.  I found myself the other day calling out a friend because a TWO WORD text message sounded dismissive to me.  I actually found a way to twist two words (that weren't "fuck off") into an implication that she was upset with me.  I convinced myself that she was being passive aggressive (a behavior I actually am known to show) and I pompously called her out on it.  Turns out she was helping another friend move and just couldn't elaborate on her text.  I immediately felt like the jerk that I was and apologized.

Unlike other blog posts I have written, I don't have an answer or an explanation that makes sense.  I was hoping that I was typing this entry, an answer would suddenly pop into my head.  Alas, that isn't meant to be this time.  So if you see me anytime soon, please ignore me if I spout out antagonistic messages. I'm really not angry with you... I'm just trying to figure it all out.