I asked on Facebook for people to describe me in 3 words or less knowing fully that a question like that would most likely inspire positive words and I was right. With the exception of one cousin who sarcastically answered my question (scary, crazy, ugly...love you too, cuz!), people were more than generous with their descriptions. Before I received any replies, I wrote down what I thought were my applicable words. When I compared the lists, I was surprised to find that there were two qualities that came up very often on my friends' lists that did not even appear on my list: funny and caring. Now, I know that these two qualities are definitely a large part of my identity yet when I reflected on ways to describe myself, they were left out. Why had I discounted these two positive qualities yet included more than a few negative qualities (stubborn, naive, short-sighted)? Why do I have such a hard time acknowledging or accepting the likable parts of my personality?
I know some of it has to do with how I was brought up. My parents were not braggarts although their accomplishments as business people and survivors are too numerous to list here. They also did not hold to the current parenting techniques of building up a child's self-esteem or even acknowledging the strengths of their children (no tiny violins needed here...they were raising us the best way they knew how). So the thought of being proud of our positive qualities really never was encouraged. Now, the parts of our personalities that needed to be "fixed"....that they had plenty to say about. So much so that Dr. T and I spend a lot of time trying to get those perfectionist voices out of my head. Because here's the thing: if you only give attention to the negative qualities of your personality, then that is what you freely acknowledge and accept about yourself. I am learning that to be a whole person with a balanced view of one's life, you have to be willing to celebrate your strengths as well as resolving to work on your weaknesses. Otherwise, when life throws the inevitable curve balls that it always does, you won't have a clear view of how to deal with it. Instead of striking out at the plate by playing the victim or blaming myself totally, I need to see the curve ball for what it is: a temporary stumbling block that has already come and gone.
I am trying to work though this life lesson by using the characters of Seinfeld to reflect on a recent disappointment (remember those curve balls I was just talking about? stay with me here). My feelings for a friend turned romantic, and I have spent a lot of time trying to accept the situation as it now stands (he won't speak to me and clearly wants nothing to do with me). As painful as this acceptance is I need to not only strive for it but to embrace it fully if I intend on moving on with my life. Here are the parts of my personality that have been at work so far.
The George Factor - The "George" part of my personality believes that I did nothing wrong and am a total victim of the situation. At the same time, this part of my personality thinks that this disappointment was inevitable because things never work out for me. Just as George never seems to find the woman or job of his dreams, I believe that fate has only provided me one disappointment after another. Even when George had his dream job (an executive for the New York Yankees...c'mon! perfection!) he still finds ways to destroy that blessing through his own insecurities. If George could have just stopped and appreciated what he had for what it was, he would have been happier. I also could benefit from just appreciating the friendship I had with this man. and the lessons that I have learned from the situation.
The Elaine Factor- The "Elaine" part of me is the part that puts on the act of having everything together. Just like the character pretends not to care less when Jerry or George have a new dilemma in their lives, on the outside I have pretended that the loss of this man from my life means nothing to me. Elaine always seemed in public to be the most put-together of the quartet, yet we the viewers get to see her at her worst like when she falls for a "wake-up" caller or a Blockbuster movie critic who turns out to be a teenager. Pretending that I'm okay when I'm not is a life-long habit that I'm hoping to overcome through the act of acceptance. When I feel the pain of missing this person, I am going to try and just let that feeling happen instead of desperately trying to find a way to push it away.
The Jerry Factor- Since Jerry was the star of the show, it makes sense that his character is the one that all the others revolve around. Most of the time he is the voice of reason in the cockamamie plans of his friends. There are numerous examples of times that Jerry would try to convince George that a scheme of his just wasn't going to work (i.e. shoplifting from a pharmacy because he felt the clerk didn't give him the right amount of change, slipping a "mickey" to a former boss in order to get revenge, going back to post-lesbian Susan for a relationship). Even though we usually saw him as the voice of reason, there were also memorable times when Jerry let himself get swept up in George's ideas (i.e. I believe it's called menage a trois; getting engaged to settle a bet). Yes, I am an intelligent and caring person as my friends so nicely wrote but I'm also the woman who fell for someone who was totally unavailable and proceeded to spend many months thinking he felt the same way. I need to accept the fact that although I was wrong about how this other person felt, I did feel love for him which in itself isn't a bad thing. It also was something I couldn't control so the guilt I feel needs to be let go as well (that's a hard one to deal with but I'm trying).
The Kramer Factor- Although it might seem unlikely, Kramer is actually the character whom I feel is the most mentally healthy of the four friends. He accepts whatever comes his way and finds a way to incorporate it into his life seamlessly (one hour is too long to take a shower? no problem...just install a garbage disposal in the shower and prepare veggies for dinner at the same time as cleaning up). He doesn't keep his feelings pent up (returns peaches that aren't up to par and tells off the fruit guy) and rarely lets anyone else's assessment of him affect how he feels about himself (who cares if Jerry thinks having levels or the Mike Donahue set in his apartment is weird). Kramer lives his life according to what he feels is right and accepts people for who they are, including himself. Yes, I'm striving to become more Kramer-like (minus the humidity beat-up hair). The nascent Kramer part of my personality is slowly working on accepting that love doesn't always make sense. Sometimes love comes into your life just for the experience itself. Even though it may bring about the feelings of sadness or guilt, the act of loving is still worth the risk. And Kramer was always up for the next big thing whether it was becoming the guest of honor for the Mentally Challenged Awards dinner with Mr. Mel Torme or achieving his life-long dream of being an actor by appearing on Murphy Brown.
I will take my lead from Kramer and accept all that life throws my way. Hopefully, I can do it with more grace than Elaine shows on the dance floor.
No comments:
Post a Comment