2015 has been quite a year so far. I've experienced many wonderful days and some downright soul-crushing ones. On the plus side, I've formed a strong friendship with my teaching partners who the previous year were just people I said hello to as we passed in the hallway. They have helped me laugh my way through more than one stressful situation. Unfortunately, the great balance of Life took away another important person in my life, my cousin Michael. His death reverberated through my soul and still stabs at my heart as I'm sure it will continue to do for the rest of my life. Throw in a failed adoption and a broken heart, and the violins start to play. Through it all, I have been struggling with trying to find out what my place in this world really is all about. This blog has helped me clarify the importance of writing and communicating with others in my life. My scribbles here have helped cement the importance of writing in my life. My work with Dr. T. has supported me during some of the lows of this past year and continues to give me food for thought on how to live a more authentic life. And the one truth that has floated to the surface is that I have been giving away too much of my power and not living the life I want to live.
I have always struggled with the "nice girl" syndrome. And nice girls are not strong. Some call it "people pleasing" and although it sounds very positive, it actually has been a way for me to play the victim for way too long. By not standing up for what I believe to be just and true, time and time again I have allowed others make decisions that affected my life. The core of the problem is that I have remained passive in some of the most important decisions of my life. From pushing away my desire to adopt a child (ages 30-40) to taking a job I wasn't sure I wanted mainly because of the high salary, I have wasted so much time simply by not taking the action I wanted to take. This is, I believe, how my depression became so rampant at times because inside I knew that I wasn't living an authentic life. It was so easy to point the finger of blame at others: My parents' constant disapproval of adoption is why I missed my window of opportunity. Or My heart was broken because HE led me to believe we wanted the same thing. By meekly following the lead of others instead of finding my own path in life, all I accomplished was feeling unfulfilled, bitter, and sometimes despondent.
But the strong, independent, and not-so-much-nice-girl Eleanor Roosevelt once said something that really resonates with me today:
I can continue to play the victim and blame others for the unhappiness I feel. The "good girl" crown would remain on my head, but I'm pretty sure that I would end up alienating the very people I'm so desperately trying to please. Or I can try something more brave. I can choose to throw off the passive-perfectionist cape I've worn for so long and instead make the decisions that I feel will make me happy. Another goal of mine is to stop taking what others are saying about me (which includes what I "think" they are saying about me, super mind-reader that I am) to heart. What others think about me is none of my business, and if I let it bother me, then the fault is all mine.
Surface appearances can be very deceiving. My tattoos, new hair color(a little silver and blue streak), and general confident demeanor may lead people to believe that I'm tougher than I really am. But what really is making me strong is my commitment to making my own decisions and letting go of resentments I have towards people who I have allowed to affect how I feel about myself. It's not easy but it is freeing. I'm currently trying to make a change in my professional life which a lot of people important to me don't understand or support. I'm also going to try and mend a few important relationships that have been damaged by my "poor me" attitude. But I'm no longer taking the lack of support from others as insulting or even personal. I see my chance and I'm going to take it. And if I fail? I won't let it destroy me. I'd rather fail at attaining a goal I set for myself than succeed at reaching goals set for me by others.
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