Bittersweet Symphony

In my last blog post I talked about taking a chance on a job situation that would finally get me where I wanted to be in my career.  Unfortunately, just like all the bettors who were so sure of American Pharaoh's victory at Saratoga I was given an ice cold shower of reality when I didn't get the position I wanted.  On the one hand, I was glad I found out when I did (last Monday) because it meant that I could go ahead and set up my current classroom without having to worry about taking it all down again.  And as the week went on I started to get swept up in all the preparations for the school year with all the excitement and hopeful feelings that go along with getting ready for a new group of students.  However, today I find myself being confronted with the disappointment of not reaching yet another goal.  This year alone I have lost a close friendship, a dear cousin, and a chance to become a mother.  I'm feeling sad, discouraged, and dejected. 

I usually find a lot of solace in reading and writing and every so often I come across a book that seems to be destined to be read by me.  I call these books my God-inspired books because I believe that I stumble onto these titles because they contain messages from the Universe that are just what I need at that time.  Last week I picked up a book solely because of its title: Expectation Hangover: Overcoming Disappointment in Work, Love, and Life .  I could easily relate to the juxtaposition of the incredible high of having an unrealistic expectation and the jagged pain associated with paying for that high when your hopes aren't realized. This book suggests that  one of the key elements of getting through this painful time is to ask yourself "What am I learning?" rather than "Why is this happening?".  It also suggests that when faced with this kind of hangover it is essential to remind yourself that you are strong enough to get through the alternate scenario instead of being afraid of what reality has handed you.  When you deal with the consequences of having a dream unfulfilled, it gives you the courage and self-confidence you need when going after your next goal.  It all sounds very helpful and healthy, right? Too bad it's all bullshit.  

I DO want to know why this is happening.  I'm tired of learning lessons and being the positive optimist who always finds a way to turn lemons into lemonade.  Why does everything in my life seem to be at loose ends while truly horrible people are out there getting every need and wish fulfilled? I don't want to take away anything from those who have striven to reach their goals and make their dreams come true. But why are their dreams supported while mine have been swatted down like annoying gnats? I have tried to live my life in a way that makes me proud but right now I am angry at the world.  If being positive and working hard to reach my goals is rewarded with yet another disappointment, why even bother?  As terrible as it may sound, I'm tired of being grateful for what I have. I know there are others who would give anything to be where I am at my life.  But there are just as many people who have fallen into situations that I would kill for.  I want to know why and I'm not satisfied to hear any pat answers.  I want to know what the grand plan of my life is and why fate is dragging me along kicking and screaming.  But as the Glimmer Twins wrote so eloquently, "You can't always get what you want". 

Of course, I realize that this rant will do nothing to improve my situation.  I also know that in the end the more I struggle against the present situation, the more enmeshed I will become in the negativity.  But one thing I have (grudgingly) learned this year is that I need to stop trying to distract myself from my negative feelings.  The energy I used to spend on pretending everything was peachy keen just pushed me deeper and deeper into the muck of depression.  So, I will let the bittersweet symphony that is my life play on...for now.  Like all musical scores, it will crest at a certain point and then ease off into a silent peace that will leave me thankful once again.