At 47 soon to be 48 I certainly don't consider myself elderly. I actually "feel" a lot younger now than I did at age 37. My thirties were filled with lots of self-doubt and comparisons to my peers who all seemed to be married with children and well on their way to happily-ever-after status. Depression reared its ugly head full force during my thirties, and I made some bad financial decisions of which I'm still feeling the effects. When I was a teenager, 47 year olds were ancient to me yet I really thought that by the time I reached that age that I would have it all together. God knows that is not the case in reality. But at the same time I don't feel ancient.
There is a young spirit inside of me that didn't feel allowed to show itself when I was younger. I was too busy living by everyone else's rules and trying to live up to my own expectations that a lot of the joy I experience now on a daily basis was nonexistent in my thirties. So, what do I call this time of my life? What is the period in between being considered middle aged and elderly called? And how can I continue to nurture the youthful spirit inside of me so that it doesn't stagnate into the apathetic acceptance of old age? I'm not sure of the answers to the first two questions but here are some of my guesses for the third.
1. Keep on teaching. My students have always kept me young. I'm sure you have heard that from many teachers and I do find it so true. Every year I learn different things about pop culture, and this is primarily taught to me by my class. I have had many people ask me why I haven't tried to go into administration or leave teaching all together for a different career, one not so dependent on the whims of whichever talking head is at the helm of the education department. The answer is always the same: I would miss the kids too much. I learned that during my three years spent as a literacy coach. My students remind me that life can be exciting and a celebration even if it is only a jamboree over witnessing a bean seed finally sprouting after days of a whole lot of nothing happening. Since it doesn't seem like I'll ever have a family of my own, these children are that much more special to me. As I give everything to them all year, I receive the gift of a youthful perspective from them.
2. Keep the iPod current. There are some bands that I have been listening to for the past thirty years like the Rolling Stones, U2, and Bruce Springsteen and I will continue to listen to them for the next thirty. However, with the advent of the iPod at the turn of the millennium I have begun to make room for new artists on my play lists. In fact the release date of the iPod was quite coincidentally on October 23, 2001 which also happened to be my 34th birthday. The ease of pre-viewing songs at the Apple Online Store made it so much easier to hear and buy the music of contemporary bands like Imagine Dragons, Florence and the Machine, and Ed Sheeran. I can honestly say that my play lists these days are populated by more bands that weren't even born when the Stones first hit the scene as opposed to my steady standbys of Fleetwood Mac and Queen. Music is that fountain of youth for me that replenishes my spirit especially during weeks like the past one where the opening days of school were especially challenging. As long as I keep a healthy balance of old friends like Crosby, Stills, and Nash and new friends like Mumford and Sons, I know that my soul will be dancing.
3. Unload the pessimistic thoughts. This whole blog is named after the next way I can stay vibrant. My former viewpoint of life was pessimistic to say the least. Actually, I often lived day to day with a worst-case mode of operation. My anxious mind would jump to believing that only the worst thing possible would happen especially if I followed my gut instinct. It made my world very small and my ambitions were often shot down before they even had a chance to fly. Iwould feel sorry for myself and fail to appreciate the multiple blessings that were in my life. Once I was given the medical designation of depression/anxiety, I was able to start working my way towards the light. I opened up more with people who cared about me and began to take chances like walking into a gym without feeling disgust for my fat self. I not only began to think better about my future but also started to give people the benefit of the doubt. The judgmental side of me quieted down and the empathic side helped me understand that I may not know the hardships that others have battled through. Becoming more optimistic has often created a self-fulfilling prophecy that has drawn even more blessings my way.
4. Unload the style dos and don'ts. I'm very proud of the personal style that I have built over the years. From my 1960s style cat eye frames to my short spiky hair, I am pretty happy with the choices I have made the last few years. The Fran of the 90s would make a change in her personal appearance and feel validated only if and when others admired it. If I changed my hair color and no one commented on it, I was convinced that everyone hated it but were too nice to say anything (see number 3). In fact, I feel that my need for validation is what has aged me and damaged my spirit more than anything else. I would look to magazines like Glamour and Elle to tell me what I should be wearing each season and feel worthless because often the clothing items were made to be worn on size 6s or smaller. Since I am a heavier woman, I have had to search hard and long for style icons to emulate. Luckily, I have found some in both the entertainment world (Adelle and author Jennifer Lancaster) and in my personal life ( a close friend who is not a size 6 yet ALWAYS is the best dressed person in the room). I am confident enough now in my ability to put myself together that I am making choices that go against trends yet make me happy. In a few weeks, I will be dying my hair a fun color and I can't wait to see how it changes my look. Excitement like this almost makes my spirit laugh out loud with giddiness.
Maybe it doesn't matter what I call this stage in my life. As long as I do everything I can to keep my spirit buoyant and bubbly, age really will only be a number.
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