Better Days

I started and stopped writing this blog post at least 5 times in the past two weeks.  Even now I'm looking around the room, trying to put it off.  It's actually pretty funny because this procrastination is directly related to my ambivalence over the topic I need (not want) to write about.  Putting things in written form has always been a way for me to solidify my thoughts and to nudge me into action.  I think my avoidance techniques have been my spirit's way of saying "Nope, not ready for any of this to be true".  But, as I read earlier on an internet site, "It's hard to accept the truth when the lies were exactly what you wanted to hear".  So...here goes.

I have a lot of trouble with letting go.  That phrase has a few different meanings, and I have trouble with each and every one of them.  "Letting go" could have to do with not worrying about what others think of you and just living your life as you see fit.  The good little Catholic schoolgirl in me never was any good at living her truth.  I followed rules and led the life that was expected of me, rarely stopping to think about what I wanted out of life.  People-pleasing is a condition that I have made some progress with, but the word "no" still doesn't roll off the tongue.  Thankfully, my forties have been a stage in my life where I am making some strides in "letting go" and just being me.  I like who I am and am less hesitant to reveal myself.  

Another connotation of the phrase "letting go" has to do with not holding on to grudges.  I've written about this difficulty before and how hard it is for me when I feel that I've been betrayed.  It is not something I'm proud of, and I consider it my worst fault.  I think the reason it is so hard for me is that it takes a lot for me to completely trust other people.  When I first meet someone, it takes a while for me to feel comfortable enough to really open up.  Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that when he/she first met me, I seemed like a nice, quiet, and easy going person.  At every new job that I've taken on, it has taken me at least a few months before the sarcastic and outgoing side of me comes to the surface.  When that happens it is really comical because some people don't see it coming.  I have left more than a few jaws dropped after using the "f" word a bit too liberally.  Once I become this comfortable around a person he/she can be assured that I trust them completely.  Unfortunately, I can go from 0-60 on the trusting scale pretty quickly once that happens.  The bad side of being so trusting so completely is that I can become quite naive and can form expectations that sometimes are just too high for others to live up to.  This is where some of my worst grudges have been born.  Thank God, I'm starting to recognize this and to work through the "expectation hangover" (great book I'm reading now) to help avoid grudges.  I'm learning that even when situations don't turn out the way I want them to, I still have all the resources I need to go on.  

But it's the last connotation of "letting go" that is the hardest one for me to deal with.  This has to do with letting go of trying to control situations and people in my life.  This is the letting go that led me to have the words "let go" tattooed on my arm.  I do believe that the Universe wants us all to be happy and productive members of society.  But I have a stubborn tendency to hold on to situations and people who are not meant to be in my life.  When I was younger, I really think this had to do more with my insecurities than with being stubborn.  Like I said earlier, I did what was expected of me and because of that I felt that certain areas of my life would unfold just as planned.  After all, I studied hard, went to college, became a teacher, and moved out of my parents' house (a big no-no for single Italian women) all before the age of 23.  I saw a direct correlation between doing well in school and getting a teaching position.  I never stopped to think of all the other hard-working students who weren't lucky enough to get that interview or to stumble into the perfect situation of living with two great roommates. I figured my efforts were the only cause of all the good things coming into my life. Now I know that luck and timing are two variables that can and do throw a wrench into the best laid plans.  

The school year officially starts for my fourth graders tomorrow, and I am excited to meet them and begin our journey together.  But to do this whole-heartedly I need to let go (for now) of my long-standing wish to teach first grade again.  I need to put those plans to the side and wait for the timing and for luck to finally tap me on the shoulder.  I've also had to experience letting go of a friendship that meant a lot to me.  I don't know exactly why this friendship had to end but suspect that timing is a big part of why.  Normally, I like to figure out what every broken relationship was meant to teach me but trying to figure this one out has me baffled.  And instead of continuing to bang my head against the wall in order to find some silver lining, I've decided that I have to just... let. it. go.  Unlike the goal of teaching first grade, this relationship isn't one that I can return to at a later date.  This person has totally frozen me out of his life, and there is nothing I can do to change it.  No amount of hand-wringing, self-doubt, mea culpas, or wishful thinking will bring him back into my life.  This is the cause of a lot of sadness for me, and I'm doing my best to work through it.  But for now, I will focus on my fabulous fourth graders and work on helping them reach their goals.  Even though  I am being forced to let go of situations and people who mean a lot to me, I won't be bitter.  Instead, I will try to mine the memories of better days for the happiness they left behind.