A month into my school year I am experiencing one of the most challenging classes I have ever had. Behavioral issues, huge gaps in academic levels, and the unfortunate but usual problems associated with teaching kids living in poverty seem to be occurring at a higher rate than I have ever seen. Usually by October I have a good handle on the class and can see my routines that we have practiced finally taking hold in my students. This October is different. I'm struggling to find the right balance of firmness and compassion. In an effort to positively reinforce my students I have upgraded a behavioral system that has worked for me like a charm in the past. I am a firm believer that children respond to kindness and to being treated with respect. However, this year I am seeing that belief swatted away as if it were an annoying mosquito. In my mind I know that this disinterest in my efforts is a defense mechanism used by troubled children who have seen more in their 9 years of life than any person should see or experience in a lifetime. In my heart, it is still deflating and discouraging. I realize that if I had transferred to another building to teach first grade chances are that I would be facing similar problems on top of other ones. But the added disappointment of spending another year away from what my heart longs to do just adds to my discontent.
As difficult as this school year has been, it still is one of the most positive things in my life. I enter every school day with a blank slate. Today can be different. Whatever negative incidents that happened yesterday are forgotten, and we move on. Today we will be positive and do our best work. These are the messages I give my students, and I stand by their veracity. I have tangible proof daily that good things can happen when a child is motivated and lives up to my high expectations for him or her. My students are sweet and show me more love daily than quite frankly I deserve. Every day I have the chance to return that love and build up their young spirits when they are feeling beaten down by those realities of childhood. So, I take things day by day and sometimes hour by hour or minute by minute. But I do see improvements, and those improvements will act as buoys on those turbulent days we have to face ahead.
I wish my efforts could be as positive and effective in the other areas of my life. I am no closer to becoming a mother now than I was 15 years ago when I first hoped to adopt a child. Just this past week I have had two dreams of my father that have left me filled with sadness, regret, and the distinct knowledge that the grieving process isn't over for me. Physically, I feel a fatigue that seeps through my body and makes me lethargic. I want to be more active but am usually worn out after a long day at work. Exercising before work would mean getting up even earlier. That 5:30 alarm is already becoming difficult to rise to. And to top it all off I made the mistake of reaching out recently to the man I loved and was rejected yet again. Nothing seems to be improving despite my attempts to bring about positive change in my life. Cue the tiny violins...
So, this school year isn't what I had envisioned at all. But at least I know that as we progress through the year, I will be able to influence my students to live their lives in a more positive way. No matter how much they fight me every step of the way, I will still start every day with the same belief that today will be better. Their Monday morning letters and heart covered drawings will be their expressions of love and trust that will be returned by me unconditionally. And even though it doesn't look like I will have a child of my own to carry on my legacy I realize that my true legacy will be carried out in the minds and hearts of my fourth graders. I can only hope that this attitude will cross over into other areas of my life so that I can have maybe not the school year I envisioned in the spring but one that helps me build new dreams for the future.
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