It's been quite a while since my last blog post, and I wish the need to write this one didn't exist. I'm trying to summon up the courage to attend the wake of a friend who died much too soon. His wife is someone who was a great friend for many of my most formative years, my twenties. She was one of the kindest and most supportive people I had ever met. Our first interaction was in a bar where I was sitting on my own waiting on a friend. She was, as usual, surrounded by friends who were laughing and having a great time. I had just begun teaching at a school where she was was working and I assumed she didn't recognize me. But I was wrong. She not only recognized me but called me over to join her group. I remember feeling so surprised that a) she knew my name and b) she wanted me to be included in her group. My surprise that night was transformed into delight that we had so much in common (i.e. A wicked sense of humor) and led to our friendship that flourished over the next decade.
My friend and her husband seemed to always be in my memories from that time period. The night OJ made his infamous white van run I was with them preparing to go to a retirement party for our colleague. My first adult trip to New York City was with them celebrating New Year's Eve. My first overnight trip in Saratoga? They were with me celebrating the wedding of another colleague. They threw me a surprise 30th birthday party in their home (he lied to me and told me it was for her and I worried the whole time because I knew she did NOT want a party). Some of my saddest memories from that time period also had both of them present as we gathered to support coworkers over the sudden and tragic loss of their family members. We were there to support each other and with our other friends formed a strong sense of belonging.
Their wedding was one of my happiest (although admittedly drunken) days of my life up to that point. They were to me the perfect couple and not in the sickeningly sweet sort of way. No, I saw them have arguments and totally disagree on topics. I witnessed their struggle to conceive which could have destroyed them. I never felt like she was my friend, and he was "just" her husband. He became as dear to me as she was and often when we were out together he would be the one I would sit next to in order to discuss our beloved Yankees. They were the perfect couple because they were whole without the other. But they knew that they were stronger together. Now my dear friend has to face living her life without him.
Over the past decade or so, we have fallen out of touch. I left that school district ( although ironically I now am back although in a different school) and I guess life just happened. I'd follow the joy their kids gave them through the years on social media but fell out of touch with them. When I heard about his death, my heart sank, and the world seemed a little darker. It was like the years apart were gone, and all that was left was a heavy blanket of sadness. As useless as any words of solace or comfort might be at this time, I am going to go and offer them anyway. As helpless as I feel, I'm going to offer any assistance I can. The song "Circle of Life" says
It's the wheel of fortune It's the leap of faith It's the band of hope Till we find our place On the path unwinding In the circle, the circle of life.
I will honor friendship that always made me feel like I belonged all the while wishing the circle of life for my dear friends could have continued for many more years. Rest In Peace, Al.
Dear Nino,
I woke up this morning to find a memorial post from your sister about the 26th anniversary of your death. I can't believe it's been that long yet some days it seems like yesterday. Your death was one of the most life-changing events in my young life. At 27 you were just beginning to build your life with a beautiful family of your own. You were running your own business and seemed to me to have the perfect life. I was too naive to see how addiction was destroying your life. All I saw was the smiling face covered by that grizzly mountain bear beard that greeted me whenever we were together.
I spent a lot of time being angry with you in the year following your death. I blamed you for leaving your young family and for destroying the rest of your family. The only times I could seem to shed tears for you were at your funeral and when I would visit with your mom. Even then I think the tears were more for the people you left behind than for you. It wasn't until I truly understood the struggle of an addict's life that I began to soften and to grieve your loss. I feel this is one of the reasons I made so many poor choices in my early dating years: I was trying to "save" the addicts I dated like I couldn't save you and other men in my life. But this is not your true legacy in my life.
No, you brought so much joy and fun into my life. I once wrote a poem about you entitled "Hero of Mine" which reflected how I viewed you as a child and young teen. You could do anything in my eyes. You taught me so much about sports just by letting me hang out while you were playing basketball or watching baseball (sorry, the football thing didn't catch on with me until your daughter convinced me to follow one team which turned out to be your team). Anyone who knows me well knows that I love the Yankees, and that love started with me watching a few games with you. You would patiently answer my questions and explain different aspects of the game. I was hooked after one season (I think it was 1976) and have been watching ever since.
Another positive you helped usher into my life was the love of music. You, my sister, and my cousins were all born in the wrong generation: you were hippies at heart and would have been better suited to have been teenagers in the 1960s instead of toddlers. No evangelical, born-again Christian could have been more devoted to his God than you all were to yours, Jerry. I didn't share your love for the Dead's music, but we did share a love for another band, The Rolling Stones. While I can't give you all the credit for me taking down my Andy Gibb poster and replacing it with my Keith Richards poster, you definitely help usher in a new kind of music to my life. You also introduced me to music that I would never even know existed like reggae. Now I think about how much music has literally saved my life in so many ways and know that even your death had a big part in that. I obsessively listened to Van Morrison's album that year you left us and always thought that the song "Memories of You" could have been written about you. Music remains an important part of my life and a way to make me feel closer to people who have left my life.
One last part of your legacy in my life is kindness and laughter. Now, I wasn't unkind before you died but now when I think of you that quality is one of the first that jumps out at me. You were forever defending the underdog and often getting more than your share of trouble for doing it. You were a great big brother to your younger sister and to all of us younger cousins. You never seemed annoyed with us for wanting to hang out with you and your friends on Saturday mornings. When you became a father I saw this big, gangly man turned into mush with one giggle from his toddler son or one gaze from his little girl. You also could make anyone laugh even my straight-laced mother. She has trouble remembering things these days but still recites how you would scare the shit out of her when you would sneak into our house and jump from the top of our basement stairs down the bottom. Like everyone else, she could only feign anger for a second and then just laugh at your goofy face. I'm sure your great sense of humor was sometimes a mask for painful feelings, but it also showed the core beauty of your soul. Your son has your laugh while your daughter has that quiet smile that would sometimes overtake your face when listening to some nonsense around us, and I thank God for the greatest legacy you left us all, your beautiful children.
So on this 26th anniversary of your passing I choose to focus on the joy you brought into my life. Right before writing this post I was rinsing out my coffee mug and looked down into it to find that the outline of water had created the image of a heart. I thought that was the perfect sign that I should write out my feelings on this blog. I love you and miss you so much, Nino. Thank you for all the ways you showed me you loved me too.
On this chilly yet sunny day, I went for a drive and started thinking about my upcoming week. As long as I have been teaching, my lesson plans have been written for the week ahead by Friday. Of course, as the week passes, some assignments get carried over until the next day while others are checked off. I teach second grade so I like to keep the routine as stable as possible so that my students know what to expect. When they know what to expect, behavior tends to be more calm and conducive to learning. I admit that I tend to think better and make better decisions when a "normal" (i.e. according to schedule) day can occur. Unfortunately, this week will not have many days like that. Tomorrow alone we will have an assembly which pushes my ELA lesson (which is to be observed by my principal) to midday when I normally run my guided reading groups. This means I have to either cut out my math lesson and meet with a few groups before Art and a few after the ELA lesson or I need to teach math before art and meet only with two groups after the ELA lesson. Which way would be less disruptive to the kids? Then I have a parent conference after school along with the Monday tutoring I do for 3 of my students. I've been trying to get this family into school and didn't want to say no when the most convenient time was the time I use for tutoring. So, I made the decision to have the kids use the reading program we have online while I talk with the family. This week also has a book fair and a goodbye party for my student teacher scheduled to take place which will cut into more teaching time. Anything but a routine week, I feared that my students' behavior would suffer because of the multiple changes.
As I felt the sun shining on my cold hands and I began to think about how I could juggle all the disruptions, I felt my grip tighten on the steering wheel. Instead of enjoying the sights and sounds around me, I let my preoccupation with work steal the beauty of the day. Luckily, I was able to table this overthinking mode until I got back home. If this was last year or the year before, I would have let the worry suck all the joy out of this beautiful Sunday. I would procrastinate making a decision due to my anxiety freezing the part of my brain that has been dealing with these schedule disruptions for the past 26 years with ease. Anxiety and depression were my constant companions for a long time, and I felt more comfortable not making a choice than moving forward and getting things done. I am so thankful for the hard times and the lessons they have taught me. The old piece of advice that says to take the time to smell the roses resonates with me in a way it never did before. I used to swear that if I took that time that I probably get hurt by one of the pointy thorns. Now I understand that taking time for self-care and for just "being" is essential to my health.
Now several hours later I have made the decisions for tomorrow's busy day and am thinking how much I wish I could use this same process of "tabling the overthinking" for other areas of my life. It seems like I am at a point in my life that the routines that I have established in my personal life are no longer working for me. I have shared my ups and downs with both relationships and adoption in this blog and as I am approaching my 50th birthday, I'm realizing that I am in almost the same spot as I was 10 years ago. No closer to having a healthy relationship or being a mother. I've started thinking that maybe it's time to start imagining a future without me being a mother. Many people have pointed out to me that I already have served the role of mother to my own niece (who I could not love more if she was mine). Others have told me that my work as a teacher has helped countless numbers of kids in ways that I will never know. While I do believe that my Livvie and my students have enriched my life and been the benefactors of my innate nurturing nature, it just isn't the same. I want someone to tuck in at night. I want to help my own child with his homework and watch as he develops into the person he wants to be. While I know that there would be times where I would be exhausted and overwhelmed with single parenting, I would rather be exhausted from caring for my child than from doing anything else. But I do have to face the fact that my time to be a mother may have passed.
I'm trying to sit with this version of reality and imagine if there is anything that I could do which could fill that hole that not being a mother has left in my soul. At the same time, I'm thinking about decisions I've made in the past regarding both adoption and relationships. But the only thing this familiar walk down memory lane is doing is making regret weigh heavy on my heart. I realize that breaking out of my routines and doing something different is what I need to do to get a different result. What that means for my future, I'm not sure. Is there a path to motherhood I'm overlooking? Maybe. Are there other things I want to do that will be easier without a child? Sure. While this could lead me to more overthinking, I'm choosing to follow the actions that Willie Nelson sings about in one of his great songs: And ever since I met you my life's been a song A sad song, a love song with hate in between You'd be breaking my heart, it was clear from the start But my pen and my paper will keep my mind clean.
Cleaning my mind to drown out the sound of bad memories? Sounds like a plan.
It has been quite a while since I posted in this blog. I spent many months focused on adoption and writing about my hopes in becoming a parent at last. I allowed my fears to overtake my dream and halted progress, but I know that is not the end of my story. But I also know that until I have a date that I will be bringing home a child of my own, I will be keeping my plans private. This will be hard because I received so much support from others when I opened up my heart. However, I feel I need to proceed with caution and not set myself up for failure yet again.
Instead, I'd like to start of 2017 with some reflection on the past year. It was a year that was full of lessons for me as most years are. In the spirit of this blog's title, I'm going to try and sort through those lessons and mine the gems of truth that I will use to guide my life this year. So, here we go:
Lesson 1: Loyalty should only be given when earned. I was very unhappy at the end of 2015. I made the choice to leave a job where I had great friends and true partners in teaching. The direction in which my school was going was more towards "showing off" a growth mindset rather than truly instilling it and encouraging it in our students and faculty. The negativity in those hallways seeped into my soul and made my leaving an eventuality. And of course, the district I was leaving wasn't going to make it easy for me to make this transition. Instead of doing what was best for all involved and ending my tenure at the Christmas break, I was forced to work yet another week into the new year. Was this to help make a smooth transition for a new teacher? No. I really feel that it was just to make sure my contract was followed to the t. Regardless, I fulfilled my duties and did everything I could to make the transition to whichever teacher they would eventually hire as smooth as possible. I felt guilty about leaving my "kids" behind but knew that I was making the right decision for me. I went out of my way to explain my reasons for leaving to the superintendent who basically said to me that he hoped I knew what I was getting myself into by going to my new district. I showed loyalty to the last minute although I felt quite disloyal for leaving in the middle of a school year. I shudder to think what my life would be like now if I had let that misplaced feeling dictate my decision. As hard as it was to leave midyear, any loyalty that district had engendered in me was destroyed by the toxicity of the lack of respect for faculty members. In 2017 I will only be loyal to those people and places that have earned it. Lesson 2: Your thoughts will alter your reality. I knew going into my new teaching position that it was going to be a rough ride. The kids have been taught for two months with a parade of substitutes who did their best to maintain some semblance of order. When I started I was tested daily by misbehaviors and disrespect shown by a majority of the class. They were 7 year olds who were afraid to make a connection with me for fear that I would be leaving them as well. It made me think about the older kids I had left behind ,and I willed their new teacher the strength to withstand their tests. But I refused to let any of this get me down. I was finally teaching primary kids again and I was determined to do my all to make the second half of their year as productive and positive as possible. I daily made the decision to be as positive as possible and slowly but surely the kids responded. That class is still among the top three toughest classes I have ever had to teach, but they taught me so much. I experienced kids who cursed me out like I have never experienced before (even from adults); kids who told me they hated me daily yet continued to engage in my lessons; kids who became truly upset on the days I was out because the routine was suddenly gone again. I learned that these kids are the ones who truly need me. And in order for me to be there for them, I would need to make the decision daily to start with a clean slate and view our work in a positive light. As a result the first six months of 2016 resulted in me being the happiest I have been in a long time. In 2017 I will make the daily decision to be positive and to start each day with a clean slate. Lesson 3: You can choose happiness. This lesson goes hand in hand with the previous one. My default position in the past was to dwell on what was lacking in my life. Whether it was my single status or my mismanagement of finances, in the past my inner voice would always drift to the sad state of my life. I think some of this is an inherited trait, one long practiced by many members of my immediate family. I'm not sure what event in 2016 taught me this lesson directly. I think the fact that I was able to not only survive but thrive during the first 6 months in my new position was a large part of this learning. But I think the biggest influence was my work with my therapist on the topic of mindfulness. 2016 was the year I started to try living more in the moment and letting the future take care of itself. The anxiety that had plagued me in the past was now being controlled not by medication but by my own actions. When I chose to really let go of my fears, and instead just breathe into the moment I really did feel better. The brief work I've done with meditating has also helped me choose peace and contentment over fear and anxiety. I plan on expanding my meditative process in order to continue to choose happiness in the face of adversity. In 2017 I will decide to reset my happiness on a daily basis. Lesson 4: Death can remind you what is really important in your life. 2016 really took away so many wonderful people in the public arena. It seemed like any kid like me who grew up in the 1980s was spending so much time mourning the loss of favorites like Prince, George Michael, David Bowie, and Gene Wilder just to name a few. I have had close friends lose their aunts, sisters, and fathers, and wives this year. Whether it was sudden or expected, each death ripped through the lives of my friends and changed each and every one of them. Personally, my own family lost not one but two members. My cousins lost not only their funny and incredibly kind father, Giuseppe, but then only 7 months later lost their loving mother, Maria. Their lives have been shaken up and changed in so many ways. I pray that they will find the strength to remember the good times with less pain each day. I know that they will never take any member in our family for granted. It makes me sad to think about how little I visited in their last years. For me, I know that my trips to Rochester where my aunt and uncle lived will never be the same. What I have learned about death this past year is that it reminds you what you loved about the people you lost. It also gives you the opportunity to reflect on the qualities you loved about the people (whether you knew them or not) and try to engender those qualities yourself. For instance, I think both Bowie and Prince will be remembered for their pioneering spirits. I believe that my love for their outrageous choices in music has helped me appreciate the same creativity in other artists. It also has helped me to appreciate the creative streak in myself. My Zio Peppino's love of laughter and friendly nature will live on through his grandchildren. I will look at them with new eyes as they develop the traits they inherited. My Zia Maria's love of family reminds me of my own love for all of my family and how the time to express it is NOW. In 2017 I will not wait until death calls to spend more time with the people I love.
I know that if I thought about it for longer I could come up with lots more lessons. But I think these four lessons can help guide me through anything that 2017 may bring. I wish all of you peace and happiness in this upcoming year.
Now that I have been working out for close to two months, there are certain truths that have been revealed to me. Some of these truths were counterintuitive to a lethargic being like me, such as the idea that exercise can make you feel great. I always scowled and (in my mind....usually) swore at my friends who said they were "addicted" to working out. It just didn't make sense to me that pushing yourself to the point of exhaustion could be beneficial. While I will never say I am now addicted to it, I can say that there are benefits that I hadn't counted on. So here are some of the truths about exercise that I have uncovered in the past 8 weeks.
1. Once you find the right form of exercise, you will be motivated to continue. I believe the workout that I do right now is technically called interval training which is defined as "training in which an athlete alternates between two activities, typically requiring different rates of speed, degrees of effort, etc". I call it "I can do anything for 45 seconds" training. My trainer, owner of Hiit It With Brit, is one of those encouraging, dedicated trainers who seems to be everything to everyone. What I mean by that is that she gives just the right sort of encouragement for each athlete. For instance, she pushes the more experienced participants to challenge themselves with more weight or a higher kick. And then for newbies like me she models modifications that still are intense enough to be effective. I doubt I would be successful with interval training if it weren't for Britt and her fellow trainers. But the different daily workouts that go along with this type of training really make each workout interesting and challenging. I find myself on days off from the gym checking on Facebook to see which workout I missed out on. And speaking of off days...
2. I need to ease my body into increased days of exercise. For me, I have found that 3 days a week are totally doable. One of the reasons is that I have an "off" day in between each of the work out days. The two weeks that I tried to work out on back to back days I ended up so sore that I skipped my normal days. That led me to working out only one day last week, and bouncing back into class today after a week with no workouts was brutal. While my goal is to work out 5 days a week, I have learned that I need to work up to that. I'm thinking about walking/running on the off days for about 30 minutes. That way I'm still exercising and training my body to have physical activity daily. This mind set of getting physical activity worked into every day is definitely a new one for a former human slug like me. New beliefs abound these days including this next truth about sweating.
3. Sweating is an essential result of challenging myself. I am no girly-girl but the thought of sweating in front of others used to be so scary to me (okay, maybe I am a girly-girl). If I was at a party or gathering and started to sweat, I would be so embarrassed. Now when I sweat I know it is a sign of hard I am working out my body. If you are doing interval training and you don't sweat, something is definitely wrong. I now consider my beet red face and my dripping clothing a badge of honor signifying my hard work and dedication to doing as many of the exercises as possible. I still try not to have to go anywhere after working out due to the fact that I resemble a dripping tomato after a workout, but I'm no longer embarrassed about how I look. I know that it is a sign that I'm working out my muscles intensely enough to warrant the bedraggled look. One of the reasons I'm able to work up a good sweat is because of the modifications that I use.
4. Modifications are a chubby girl's best friend. When I first started working out, I was very intimidated by the types of exercises the class was using. But I used my instincts and just did the ones I thought I could do. And this is where it was essential to have an awesome trainer like Britt. She has been able to coach me on ways to modify the exercise or do a completely different one that would work out the same muscle group. While moves like burpees and jumping jacks are still out of my range for now, I have challenged myself to do more of the floor exercises like planks and push ups. At first I felt like I was cheating by not pushing myself to do the assigned exercises, but once I realized I was still getting in a great workout it all made sense to me. The best thing about modifications is that I'm learning which exercises can be replaced by others without Britt needing to tell me. In the teaching world we call slowly taking away the supports for a learning activity "scaffolding" and this is what I find myself doing. Whether it takes me a month or a year, I push myself to give up the modifications for the harder exercises. Pushing myself is at the heart of the last truth.
5. Challenging myself is rewarding and (yes!) addicting. Brittany reviews all the exercises that make up our routines at the beginning of class. As closely as I pay attention, I still find myself shaking my head and practically talking myself out of being able to do the exercise. Once the routine begins, I sneak looks at the more experienced athletes and attempt to do the actual exercise or use a modification. I have been amazed at some of the things that I have been able to do or get close to doing. As much as the flight response is activated once I see what Britt wants us to do, I have never left a class without even trying. While it may look to others that I'm not working hard because of the modification I"m using, I know the truth. Lifting weights, running sprints, and using exercise bands for rowing are activities I never would even try a year ago. Because I found this safe environment (the gym is www.hiititwithbritt.com) in which I could challenge myself, I have made great gains in my fitness. I also have set goals related to my fitness that I know I will reach. And that feeling of achievement is what is addicting.
These are some of the truths I have discovered so far. I will keep mining my experiences for positive landmarks like these so that I can eventually become the fabulous fit 50 year old I am striving to be.
I have 3 or 4 friends with whom I have been friends for 30 years. Whether we met in high school or college, these are the friends I turn to when I want to celebrate or when I need to vent. They know me better than anyone outside of my family. Each of them is so different from the other; one is a genius when it comes to anything to do with science (and manages to turn middle schoolers onto science as well) , one is a wonderful artist and the most organized person I know, and the other is a fashion icon as far as I'm concerned. But there is one thing that binds them together in my mind: they all will turn fifty before me!
OK, so maybe it's only by a matter of months (well, only by 5 days for one of them) but it still is a distinction that I love to celebrate...and to tease them about. Recently, one of them declared that she couldn't believe she would be fifty next year. This milestone age always seemed so far away yet here we are all about to claim it as our own. I started thinking about the last milestone birthday, 40, and how I decided to live my life leading up to it. I really dreaded turning 40; I felt like my 30s would go on forever. As they were coming to a close, I spent a lot of time comparing myself to other people my age and got very depressed. I felt like all of my goals were still years and years away from being met. I'm not even sure that I was hopeful enough to even acknowledge any progress I had made. This period of time (from around 38-40) marked a very low point in my life as I made a series of decisions that could be labeled as the typical mid-life crisis. I abruptly quit my job in a very good district, a place where I was helping students and surrounded by people I truly loved. I moved to Rochester and left my car and beautiful house behind. While I had always loved Rochester and wanted to move there, if I had been thinking clearly I would have at least been sure to have a job waiting for me (I lucked out and found a job in August). I got the first of three tattoos (no regrets there) and finally "celebrated" turning 40 by suffering a compound ankle break and spending my actual birthday in the hospital, sedated because of the emergency surgery that needed to be performed. It was a true example of the law of attraction at work in my life. I was so sure that my forties were going to suck that I attracted these bad things happening.
Whether or not one believes in the law of attraction, it is evident that dreading a number is not a positive way to spend your life. I've decided to do things differently this time around. I am looking forward to 50 and setting some goals to work towards which will benefit me at any age. I'm not making 50 the deadline to attain these goals but looking at it more like recognizing any progress I make on the way there. I have already made progress towards these goals and will continue to work on them with my focal point being October 23, 2017. On that day I want to be able to look at this blog and realize how much progress I have made. To that end, I have decided to write about my goals and progress because I have read many articles and books which have stated that writing down your goals helps cement your commitment level. I could have done this in my private diary but what fun would that be? Now I have all of you to help me be more accountable! I hope that when those of you who know me see me you will ask me how I am progressing with my goals. Holding me accountable will help me not only stay committed, but also may help some of us bond over common goals.
Now, about those goals. I'm going to warn you, some of them may seem frivolous or unattainable to you. That's okay because they are not your goals : ) I do urge you to think about your own goals and set your own timetable (no need to wait for a milestone birthday). For me, each of these goals represent something I am already working towards. While some are definitely more important to me than others, they all will improve my life in one way or another. So with no further ado, here are my 5/50 Goals:
1. The most important goal for me is to be fit by 50. Earlier this summer I started attending some intense workout classes on a regular basis. Most of the summer I have attended anywhere from 2-4 days a week. Having said that, this past week I only attended one class and over did it. I was sore the rest of the week and didn't push myself to go. I think I was sore because I went from doing one or two of the floor exercises to doing ALL of them too quickly. Now, on the one hand I'm so proud of myself that I did them all; I was terrified when I started that I would never be able to do even one. You see, for the longest time I have not been able to get up from a sitting position on the floor. For a teacher of young ones, this is a handicap that gets in the way of my connection with them. After only a few weeks of going, I am confident enough to know that I can get up on my own from the mat. But as my trainer keeps telling me, I need to push myself without overdoing it. By the age of 50, I intend to be in much better shape than I am now. No weight goals beyond being at a weight where I can comfortably go for an hour walk. From the most essential goal to the least...
2. I will grow my hair out by the time I turn 50. I had beautiful long curly hair from around the third grade (when I begged my mom for a Dorothy Hamill bowl cut and ended up looking like Paul McCartney circa 1963) until I turned 25. Because even in my 20s I felt the weight of milestone birthdays and 25 felt like a big one (one I looked forward to instead of dreading...and 25 was a great year). Ever since then I have had a love/hate relationship with a pixie cut. When I had shorter hair, I wanted it longer. When it started to grow out, I longed for the ease of the pixie. But now I'm making the decision to see how long I can grow out my hair. It now is almost at the longest I've had it in a while but that's not saying much. I'm going to make it through this uncomfortable "in-between" stage which is where I usually give up. Again, no where near as important by some of the other goals but one I intend to push myself towards.
3. I will continue my education. Although I keep up to date on educational research and do lots of professional development, I actually haven't been in school since about 2005. Part of the reason for this is that there is so much I want to study. I'm interested in getting certification in reading, k-12 and in becoming an ENL (English as a second language) teacher. I also want to achieve National Board Certification in Literacy and to achieve a Ph.D in Literacy. So instead of picking one and going for it, I have let years pass with no progress towards any of them. I am leaning towards National Board Certification and will make a final decision in September (more to come). By the time I'm 50, I will either have certification or need to retake certain sections to attain it.
4. My personal/professional lives will be in better balance. I spend way too much time on my school work. Then I spend too much of my personal time in front of the telly. This is the one goal that I actually haven't made progress towards. I'll be looking for some fun hobbies, sports, or activities to try in the coming year or so. I will write about them to let you know which ones stick and which ones don't. If you have any suggestions of things I might like to try, feel free to let me know.
5. I will be a mother. This is a goal that I had given up on recently. But after doing some serious soul searching I've decided it's one I can't let go of. I feel like I was put on this earth to be a mother to some child. I have written about how I have used my nurturing side to take care of both my students and my niece. Because of my failures in the China adoption process, I had given up hope of being a mother. But now I'm on the road again to finding my child. If all goes well, I will have a child with me by my 50th birthday. Of course, plans can go astray but it won't this time. I'm willing this wish to finally come true. I hope to be able to give more details very, very soon.
So, there it is. My plan to make 50 fabulous. While I reserve the right to adjust the goals, I will make the commitment to report on my progress in upcoming blog posts. It is my intention to not bring about the same horrendous results that turning 40 created. No 50/50 blues for me.
My last few posts have seemed to have a "death" theme. Unfortunately, that is just how this summer has been going. Even the last few fiction books I've read have dealt with the topic of death (Towers Falling and Love Letters to the Dead). But things are looking up, and I thought I would include some more positive updates in this entry. I have mentioned how my family lost my cousin, Michael, last year but I've never talked about his great girlfriend, Darcey. Michael and Darcey had been together for a few years and shared their lovely home with a couple of cute basset hounds. Darcey, like all of us who loved him, was devastated by Michael's loss but with the help of her family and friends found a way to carry on. She and Michael adored her 3 year old niece, Hanna. Michael doted on Hanna, and loved to be silly with her. On top of all the other baggage associated with grieving, Darcey was worried about how she would explain Michael's absence to Hanna. She ended up telling her that Michael missed his mom so much that he went to be with her. Hanna accepted this and rarely asked about Michael again. Although this may have bothered Darcey, she let it go and didn't bring Michael to her attention again. Flash forward to a few weeks ago, when Darcey is giving Hanna, who is now 5, a bath. Here is a rough transcript of their conversation: H: Where is your dad?
D: My dad? Papa is my dad, and he is outside.
H: No…what’s his name…Mike.
D: Uncle Mike?
H: Yeah…where is he?
D: He went to go live with his mom…
H: Is he ever coming back?
D: No…he missed and loved her so much he had to go live with her.
H: Where does she live?
D: Farrr farrr away
H: Do you ever talk to him?
D: I talk to uncle Mike all the time…he says he loves you soooo much.
H: He loves me?!?!
D: Yes he does…and always will Darcey knows that I believe that our loved ones look for ways to contact us so she contacted me to see what I thought. I know that children can be more open to seeing spirits than adults so I told her that I thought maybe Michael had appeared to her in a dream. Perhaps he did this to let Darcey know he was watching over them both. I offered to do an angel card reading on it to see if it would give any clarification. I can tell you that the cards confirmed that there was a message from Michael, but don't want to go into too many details because it was a private reading. But the main themes of the cards really speak to anyone who is grieving a loss and/or having a hard time moving on. So, here are some of the messages that the cards gave Darcey but ended up helping me as well. I hope some of you reading this will be able to benefit from it too. Card 1- Take back your power. Use your intention to manifest your blessings in your life. Are you struggling with a decision to move forward on some dream you have? If so, this card is saying to have no fear. You have everything you need to make this dream come true. Don’t consider yourself a victim because you are a strong and spiritual being. Card 2- Divine Order- Everything is how it needs to be right now. Look beyond the illusion and see the underlying order. A win-win situation is at hand. Again, if there is a dream that you have been hesitating about, don’t! Now you have two cards telling you that you will be successful. Keep your spirits high through prayer and positive affirmations. Above all, make sure you speak positive statements only especially when talking about this dream/plan you have in mind. Card 3- Nurture- This card advises you find ways to nurture your inner child. Take time to play, laugh and to be silly! Spend time with the young because spending time with a younger person will nurture both of you. Card 2 really spoke to me because frankly I have been less than pleased with how my personal life has been going this summer. Adoption seemed as far away as ever and I'm still dealing with being separated from someone I care for. The control freak in me has fought against these disappointments by not accepting the situations. I'm sure you have heard the expression that when one door closes, another opens. Well picture me slamming myself over and over against that first door in order to make it open. In both cases, all that happened was that my heart became battered and bruised. The zen message of the Divine Order card really took me aback. I thought about how I was angry with God with how things have been going in my personal life, despite my many prayers and actions. The reminder that I'm not in charge and that life is meant to be lived and not controlled was a much needed one. Maybe things didn't work with China because my child is not there. Maybe he is somewhere else in the world. Maybe the man I love has a different destiny and his own set of lessons to learn which would contradict where my path is leading me. He is important to me, and I will always love him but by letting go I'm allowing the Universe to bring the best to both of us whether that means being reunited or not. Instead of hurting, these thoughts actually give me some comfort and some hope for the future. In the end, I felt like the message of these cards was not just for Darcey and me but for all the people who miss and love Michael. Because that really is who Michael was: a man of few words but who always showed his love for his family through actions. It would be just like him to whisper these messages to a five year old and leave it to her to bring our attention to it. So, now I'm going to ask all of you to help me put these messages into action. I am not giving up on adoption and am already on another track to become a mother. I'm asking those of you that pray to say a prayer for me to help keep me strong and positive. And another thing you can do is to follow the advice of these cards: Be strong and live your intentions! Let go of how you think your life "should" look and let the Universe spin its magic. And finally have fun with your inner child. Celebrate life and have fun with the young and old alike who share your journey. Think of what a wonderful world it would be if we all lived this way!
