High and Dry

This year my colleagues and I have decided to hone in on teaching the interpretation of idioms in a weekly lesson.  Each week we are focusing on a different idiom, its intended meaning, and its literal meaning.  The kids seemed to be enjoying contrasting the literal meaning from the intended meaning.  Last week they drew themselves actually holding a horse in their arms when we talked about the meaning of "hold your horses".  I'm sure as we explore more idioms we will continue to have giggle-enhancing discussions about how silly the English language can be.

I was thinking about this as I was listening to my iPod this morning. and the song "High and Dry" came on.  At first the manic-teacher brain that I have thought, "Hey! Here's another idiom to add to our list" (it is hard to shut off this part of my brain even on beautiful days off like today).  But then I started thinking about the meaning of the song itself.  Now, before I go any further I should say that I don't know what the song is REALLY about.  I haven't read any articles on the songwriter's intention or inspiration for the lyrics (yes, I do tend to read articles on this kind of subject).  As a writer myself, I don't like to presume I know the meaning behind another author's words.  But like most people, I tend to give song lyrics my own spin of meaning based on my own life experiences.  And "High and Dry" really struck me as relevant to my life.

This past year I have had the wool pulled over my eyes yet again in my personal life.  I have written about this in several blog posts and don't want to rehash how betrayed I felt.  Instead, I now find myself looking back at the year and realizing that the person who  let me down is actually the one losing out.  I wonder if  he is reaping the consequences of the seeds he has sown (ok, mixed idioms there...anything to paint a clear picture)?  Just like Thom Yorke and the boys in Radiohead sing, it seems to me like my former friend is now learning to live his life without my friendship:

                 It's the best thing that you ever had, 
                 The best thing you ever, ever had
                 It's the best thing that you ever had, 
                The best thing you have had is gone away

                Kill yourself for recognition
                Kill yourself to never ever stop
                You broke another mirror
                You're turning into something you are not

When I looked back at my past relationships, I used to see myself as the one who was left.  I was the one who was the victim, and the other person was the one with all of the power.  But something strange has happened.  Somehow, I now find myself actually feeling sorry for the people who have left my life because I know that if it hasn't hit them yet, it will very soon.  They are going to feel what it's like to not have a faithful and loyal friend like me in their corner.  They are going to realize that now I'm one of the people who doesn't trust them.  I don't wish them ill (because try as I might, I can't stop loving a person once my heart has been committed to the friendship or romantic relationship). But I no longer will go out of my way to support or encourage their dreams.  While they are still working on attaining their selfish goals, I am looking to help and support and have fun with my loyal friends who have my best interests at heart.  

Another way that this song with its idiomatic title parallels my life experience lately is that just like every idiom ever spoken, it has two very distinct meanings.  The literal meaning of this song is straightforward and easy to decipher.  The singer is  first pleading not to be left and then telling his friend that he soon will be left.   The figurative meaning is debated on the internet.  I have seen meanings ranging from one lover taking another for granted to selling your soul by not living an authentic life.  Just as my kids giggled at the literal meaning of "hold your horses",I found these interpretations amusing because of the certainty in which they are written. Each of these internet posters are so convinced that their meaning is the correct one that they belittle the thoughts of other responders.  But that is how my interpretation of these lapsed relationships must have sounded to others.  "Oh, he does care about me.  He would call if only..." "I don't believe he would be mean to me on purpose." My naive viewpoint of these relationships were just as limited and "certain" as some of these internet comments.  NOW I can see the true meaning of the actions of these people.  NOW I realize that I was too trusting and too willing to see these people in a positive light instead of seeing what is so clear to me now: I didn't mean anything to these people.  I was a pawn, a means to an end, a way to bolster their lagging self-esteems.  

Luckily, I don't have to see these people a lot at all.  But a few weeks ago I did come face to face with one of them.  I knew I would be seeing him and was feeling nervous and apprehensive about it.  Despite knowing better I still had a sliver of hope that we would be able to repair our friendship.   Instead of being a decent person and saying hello to me, he just looked in an opposite direction.  To tell the truth, it did hurt. But I know in my heart that I'm better off without this person in my life. Although he cut me out of his life, I really believe that he must know by now what its like to not have me as a friend.  And I have to believe that the feeling isn't a great one.  I would like to say that I would be able to forgive these people if they ever wanted to be a part of my life again.  But I don't know if I"m that good of a person.  I don't wish them ill but I don't wish myself ill either.  Anyway, as my students will be learning this year...

                     Actions speak louder than words.  

                     The ball is in your court.  

                     It takes two to tango.  

But, really? C'mon... it's more likely that Elvis has left the building.  

Roll Away Your Stone

I've come to the conclusion that at the age of 47 I'm quickly approaching the end of middle age.  Looking back over my forties I can see evidence of some mid-life crisis events.  Leaving my first grade job in a great suburban school district at age 40...giving up on living in Rochester after only a year of Tim Horton and Wegman-land...buying a house in Albany despite wanting to live in Latham.  These decisions were all made rather quickly and maybe influenced by the "mid-life crisis" we hear so much about.  So, where does that leave me now?

At 47 soon to be 48 I certainly don't consider myself elderly.  I actually "feel" a lot younger now than I did at age 37.  My thirties were filled with lots of self-doubt and comparisons to my peers who all seemed to be married with children and well on their way to happily-ever-after status.  Depression reared its ugly head full force during my thirties, and I made some bad financial decisions of which I'm still feeling the effects.  When I was a teenager, 47 year olds were ancient to me yet I really thought that by the time I reached that age that I would have it all together.  God knows that is not the case in reality.  But at the same time I don't feel ancient.  

There is a young spirit inside of me that didn't feel allowed to show itself when I was younger.  I was too busy living by everyone else's rules and trying to live up to my own expectations that a lot of the joy I experience  now on a daily basis was nonexistent in my thirties.  So, what do I call this time of my life? What is the period in between being considered middle aged and elderly called? And how can I continue to nurture the youthful spirit inside of me so that it doesn't stagnate into the apathetic acceptance of old age? I'm not sure of the answers to the first two questions but here are some of my guesses for the third.

1. Keep on teaching. My students have always kept me young.  I'm sure you have heard that from many teachers and I do find it so true.  Every year I learn different things about pop culture, and this is primarily taught to me by my class.  I have had many people ask me why I haven't tried to go into administration or leave teaching all together for a different career, one not so dependent on the whims of whichever talking head is at the helm of the education department.  The answer is always the same: I would miss the kids too much.  I learned that during my three years spent as a literacy coach.  My students remind me that life can be exciting and a celebration even if it is only a jamboree over witnessing a bean seed finally sprouting after days of a whole lot of nothing happening.  Since it doesn't seem like I'll ever have a family of my own, these children are that much more special to me.  As I give everything to them all year, I receive the gift of a youthful perspective from them.

 2. Keep the iPod current.  There are some bands that I have been listening to for the past thirty years like the Rolling Stones, U2, and Bruce Springsteen and I will continue to listen to them for the next thirty.  However, with the advent of the iPod at the turn of the millennium  I have begun to make room for new artists on my play lists.  In fact the release date of the iPod was quite coincidentally on October 23, 2001 which also happened to be my 34th birthday.  The ease of pre-viewing songs at the Apple Online Store made it so much easier to hear and buy the music of contemporary bands like Imagine Dragons, Florence and the Machine, and Ed Sheeran.  I can honestly say that my play lists these days are populated by more bands that weren't even born when the Stones first hit the scene as opposed to my steady standbys of Fleetwood Mac and Queen.  Music is that fountain of youth for me that replenishes my spirit especially during weeks like the past one where the opening days of school were especially challenging.  As long as I keep a healthy balance of old friends like Crosby, Stills, and Nash and new friends like Mumford and Sons, I know that my soul will be dancing.  

3. Unload the pessimistic thoughts.  This whole blog is named after the next way I can stay vibrant.  My former viewpoint of life was pessimistic to say the least.  Actually, I often lived day to day with a worst-case mode of operation.  My anxious mind would jump to believing that only the worst thing possible would happen especially if I followed my gut instinct.  It made my world very small and my ambitions were often shot down before they even had a chance to fly.  Iwould feel sorry for myself and fail to appreciate the multiple blessings that were in my life.  Once I was given the medical designation of depression/anxiety, I was able to start working my way towards the light.  I opened up more with people who cared about me and began to take chances like walking into a gym without feeling disgust for my fat self.  I not only began to think better about my future but also started to give people the benefit of the doubt.  The judgmental side of me quieted down and the empathic side helped me understand that I may not know the hardships that others have battled through.  Becoming more optimistic has often created a self-fulfilling prophecy that has drawn even more blessings my way.  

4. Unload the style dos and don'ts.  I'm very proud of the personal style that I have built over the years.  From my 1960s style cat eye frames to my short spiky hair, I am pretty happy with the choices I have made the last few years.  The Fran of the 90s would make a change in her personal appearance and feel validated only if and when others admired it.  If I changed my hair color and no one commented on it, I was convinced that everyone hated it but were too nice to say anything (see number 3).  In fact, I feel that my need for validation is what has aged me and  damaged my spirit more than anything else.  I would look to magazines like Glamour and Elle to tell me what I should be wearing each season and feel worthless because often the clothing items were made to be worn on size 6s or smaller.  Since I am a heavier woman, I have had to search hard and long for style icons to emulate.  Luckily, I have found some in both the entertainment world (Adelle and author Jennifer Lancaster) and in my personal life ( a close friend who is not a size 6 yet ALWAYS is the best dressed person in the room).  I am confident enough now in my ability to put myself together that I am making choices that go against trends yet make me happy. In a few weeks, I will be dying my hair a fun color and I can't wait to see how it changes my look.  Excitement like this almost makes my spirit laugh out loud with giddiness.  

Maybe it doesn't matter what I call this stage in my life.  As long as I do everything I can to keep my spirit buoyant and bubbly, age really will only be a number.  

Better Days

I started and stopped writing this blog post at least 5 times in the past two weeks.  Even now I'm looking around the room, trying to put it off.  It's actually pretty funny because this procrastination is directly related to my ambivalence over the topic I need (not want) to write about.  Putting things in written form has always been a way for me to solidify my thoughts and to nudge me into action.  I think my avoidance techniques have been my spirit's way of saying "Nope, not ready for any of this to be true".  But, as I read earlier on an internet site, "It's hard to accept the truth when the lies were exactly what you wanted to hear".  So...here goes.

I have a lot of trouble with letting go.  That phrase has a few different meanings, and I have trouble with each and every one of them.  "Letting go" could have to do with not worrying about what others think of you and just living your life as you see fit.  The good little Catholic schoolgirl in me never was any good at living her truth.  I followed rules and led the life that was expected of me, rarely stopping to think about what I wanted out of life.  People-pleasing is a condition that I have made some progress with, but the word "no" still doesn't roll off the tongue.  Thankfully, my forties have been a stage in my life where I am making some strides in "letting go" and just being me.  I like who I am and am less hesitant to reveal myself.  

Another connotation of the phrase "letting go" has to do with not holding on to grudges.  I've written about this difficulty before and how hard it is for me when I feel that I've been betrayed.  It is not something I'm proud of, and I consider it my worst fault.  I think the reason it is so hard for me is that it takes a lot for me to completely trust other people.  When I first meet someone, it takes a while for me to feel comfortable enough to really open up.  Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that when he/she first met me, I seemed like a nice, quiet, and easy going person.  At every new job that I've taken on, it has taken me at least a few months before the sarcastic and outgoing side of me comes to the surface.  When that happens it is really comical because some people don't see it coming.  I have left more than a few jaws dropped after using the "f" word a bit too liberally.  Once I become this comfortable around a person he/she can be assured that I trust them completely.  Unfortunately, I can go from 0-60 on the trusting scale pretty quickly once that happens.  The bad side of being so trusting so completely is that I can become quite naive and can form expectations that sometimes are just too high for others to live up to.  This is where some of my worst grudges have been born.  Thank God, I'm starting to recognize this and to work through the "expectation hangover" (great book I'm reading now) to help avoid grudges.  I'm learning that even when situations don't turn out the way I want them to, I still have all the resources I need to go on.  

But it's the last connotation of "letting go" that is the hardest one for me to deal with.  This has to do with letting go of trying to control situations and people in my life.  This is the letting go that led me to have the words "let go" tattooed on my arm.  I do believe that the Universe wants us all to be happy and productive members of society.  But I have a stubborn tendency to hold on to situations and people who are not meant to be in my life.  When I was younger, I really think this had to do more with my insecurities than with being stubborn.  Like I said earlier, I did what was expected of me and because of that I felt that certain areas of my life would unfold just as planned.  After all, I studied hard, went to college, became a teacher, and moved out of my parents' house (a big no-no for single Italian women) all before the age of 23.  I saw a direct correlation between doing well in school and getting a teaching position.  I never stopped to think of all the other hard-working students who weren't lucky enough to get that interview or to stumble into the perfect situation of living with two great roommates. I figured my efforts were the only cause of all the good things coming into my life. Now I know that luck and timing are two variables that can and do throw a wrench into the best laid plans.  

The school year officially starts for my fourth graders tomorrow, and I am excited to meet them and begin our journey together.  But to do this whole-heartedly I need to let go (for now) of my long-standing wish to teach first grade again.  I need to put those plans to the side and wait for the timing and for luck to finally tap me on the shoulder.  I've also had to experience letting go of a friendship that meant a lot to me.  I don't know exactly why this friendship had to end but suspect that timing is a big part of why.  Normally, I like to figure out what every broken relationship was meant to teach me but trying to figure this one out has me baffled.  And instead of continuing to bang my head against the wall in order to find some silver lining, I've decided that I have to just... let. it. go.  Unlike the goal of teaching first grade, this relationship isn't one that I can return to at a later date.  This person has totally frozen me out of his life, and there is nothing I can do to change it.  No amount of hand-wringing, self-doubt, mea culpas, or wishful thinking will bring him back into my life.  This is the cause of a lot of sadness for me, and I'm doing my best to work through it.  But for now, I will focus on my fabulous fourth graders and work on helping them reach their goals.  Even though  I am being forced to let go of situations and people who mean a lot to me, I won't be bitter.  Instead, I will try to mine the memories of better days for the happiness they left behind.