In my last blog post I talked about taking a chance on a job situation that would finally get me where I wanted to be in my career. Unfortunately, just like all the bettors who were so sure of American Pharaoh's victory at Saratoga I was given an ice cold shower of reality when I didn't get the position I wanted. On the one hand, I was glad I found out when I did (last Monday) because it meant that I could go ahead and set up my current classroom without having to worry about taking it all down again. And as the week went on I started to get swept up in all the preparations for the school year with all the excitement and hopeful feelings that go along with getting ready for a new group of students. However, today I find myself being confronted with the disappointment of not reaching yet another goal. This year alone I have lost a close friendship, a dear cousin, and a chance to become a mother. I'm feeling sad, discouraged, and dejected. I usually find a lot of solace in reading and writing and every so often I come across a book that seems to be destined to be read by me. I call these books my God-inspired books because I believe that I stumble onto these titles because they contain messages from the Universe that are just what I need at that time. Last week I picked up a book solely because of its title: Expectation Hangover: Overcoming Disappointment in Work, Love, and Life . I could easily relate to the juxtaposition of the incredible high of having an unrealistic expectation and the jagged pain associated with paying for that high when your hopes aren't realized. This book suggests that one of the key elements of getting through this painful time is to ask yourself "What am I learning?" rather than "Why is this happening?". It also suggests that when faced with this kind of hangover it is essential to remind yourself that you are strong enough to get through the alternate scenario instead of being afraid of what reality has handed you. When you deal with the consequences of having a dream unfulfilled, it gives you the courage and self-confidence you need when going after your next goal. It all sounds very helpful and healthy, right? Too bad it's all bullshit. I DO want to know why this is happening. I'm tired of learning lessons and being the positive optimist who always finds a way to turn lemons into lemonade. Why does everything in my life seem to be at loose ends while truly horrible people are out there getting every need and wish fulfilled? I don't want to take away anything from those who have striven to reach their goals and make their dreams come true. But why are their dreams supported while mine have been swatted down like annoying gnats? I have tried to live my life in a way that makes me proud but right now I am angry at the world. If being positive and working hard to reach my goals is rewarded with yet another disappointment, why even bother? As terrible as it may sound, I'm tired of being grateful for what I have. I know there are others who would give anything to be where I am at my life. But there are just as many people who have fallen into situations that I would kill for. I want to know why and I'm not satisfied to hear any pat answers. I want to know what the grand plan of my life is and why fate is dragging me along kicking and screaming. But as the Glimmer Twins wrote so eloquently, "You can't always get what you want". Of course, I realize that this rant will do nothing to improve my situation. I also know that in the end the more I struggle against the present situation, the more enmeshed I will become in the negativity. But one thing I have (grudgingly) learned this year is that I need to stop trying to distract myself from my negative feelings. The energy I used to spend on pretending everything was peachy keen just pushed me deeper and deeper into the muck of depression. So, I will let the bittersweet symphony that is my life play on...for now. Like all musical scores, it will crest at a certain point and then ease off into a silent peace that will leave me thankful once again.
2015 has been quite a year so far. I've experienced many wonderful days and some downright soul-crushing ones. On the plus side, I've formed a strong friendship with my teaching partners who the previous year were just people I said hello to as we passed in the hallway. They have helped me laugh my way through more than one stressful situation. Unfortunately, the great balance of Life took away another important person in my life, my cousin Michael. His death reverberated through my soul and still stabs at my heart as I'm sure it will continue to do for the rest of my life. Throw in a failed adoption and a broken heart, and the violins start to play. Through it all, I have been struggling with trying to find out what my place in this world really is all about. This blog has helped me clarify the importance of writing and communicating with others in my life. My scribbles here have helped cement the importance of writing in my life. My work with Dr. T. has supported me during some of the lows of this past year and continues to give me food for thought on how to live a more authentic life. And the one truth that has floated to the surface is that I have been giving away too much of my power and not living the life I want to live. I have always struggled with the "nice girl" syndrome. And nice girls are not strong. Some call it "people pleasing" and although it sounds very positive, it actually has been a way for me to play the victim for way too long. By not standing up for what I believe to be just and true, time and time again I have allowed others make decisions that affected my life. The core of the problem is that I have remained passive in some of the most important decisions of my life. From pushing away my desire to adopt a child (ages 30-40) to taking a job I wasn't sure I wanted mainly because of the high salary, I have wasted so much time simply by not taking the action I wanted to take. This is, I believe, how my depression became so rampant at times because inside I knew that I wasn't living an authentic life. It was so easy to point the finger of blame at others: My parents' constant disapproval of adoption is why I missed my window of opportunity. Or My heart was broken because HE led me to believe we wanted the same thing. By meekly following the lead of others instead of finding my own path in life, all I accomplished was feeling unfulfilled, bitter, and sometimes despondent. But the strong, independent, and not-so-much-nice-girl Eleanor Roosevelt once said something that really resonates with me today:
I can continue to play the victim and blame others for the unhappiness I feel. The "good girl" crown would remain on my head, but I'm pretty sure that I would end up alienating the very people I'm so desperately trying to please. Or I can try something more brave. I can choose to throw off the passive-perfectionist cape I've worn for so long and instead make the decisions that I feel will make me happy. Another goal of mine is to stop taking what others are saying about me (which includes what I "think" they are saying about me, super mind-reader that I am) to heart. What others think about me is none of my business, and if I let it bother me, then the fault is all mine. Surface appearances can be very deceiving. My tattoos, new hair color(a little silver and blue streak), and general confident demeanor may lead people to believe that I'm tougher than I really am. But what really is making me strong is my commitment to making my own decisions and letting go of resentments I have towards people who I have allowed to affect how I feel about myself. It's not easy but it is freeing. I'm currently trying to make a change in my professional life which a lot of people important to me don't understand or support. I'm also going to try and mend a few important relationships that have been damaged by my "poor me" attitude. But I'm no longer taking the lack of support from others as insulting or even personal. I see my chance and I'm going to take it. And if I fail? I won't let it destroy me. I'd rather fail at attaining a goal I set for myself than succeed at reaching goals set for me by others.
Last year I decided that at the age of 46 I was going to cross off one of the items on my bucket list that actually had been a goal since I was a teenager: I started taking guitar lessons. While it wasn't my first time having private lessons, it was the first time that the lessons came solely from me wanting to play music. When I was 11 or 12 my father surprised me with a piano for my birthday (I guess I told him once or twice that I would like to play the piano). Now apart from it being a way over the top gift for any child, it also was a gift that I really enjoyed...at first. But it soon became another thing for me to judged about (in my anxious mind) and I soon grew to seeing it as a responsibility more than a pleasure activity. Although I took over 5 years of lessons, I rarely played in front of people. I would get so nervous that I would make a mistake that the whole idea of playing formed a nervous knot in my stomach. Whenever we had company over, I dreaded the lull in the conversation when my father would inevitably say "France (Dad never quite got the second syllable of Frances in there), play something on the piano for us". On the occasions that I was persuaded to do so all I could think was "I can't wait for this to be over!". Not exactly the makings of a dedicated musician. When I finally was allowed to stop taking lessons, I briefly thought about the guitar but quickly discounted that idea because I was sure the same thing would happen all over again. I was done being the entertaining monkey at family gatherings. I first began thinking about taking lessons in 2008-2009 when I was living in Rochester, NY. They have a guitar store there that had more guitars in one place than I had ever seen before. I went into the store and tried out a few guitars but never made the leap to purchasing one and signing up for lessons. When I finally got back into teaching after being a literacy coach and unemployed for a while, I decided that I didn't want to put off this dream any longer. So, I went to the local music store, chose a guitar, and started lessons. I found that my previous training in piano did help me a bit but that's where the similarities ended. Now when I practice my guitar the problem is to find the time rather than finding the motivation to practice. The adult Fran knows that the more I practice, the better I will get. I view my chord exercises as simple songs that are getting me ready to play more complex pieces. I probably have several pieces of clothing older than my guitar teacher, Mike, but he is a patient, talented, and encouraging teacher. I look forward to my lessons and have learned songs from CSN, Ed Sheeran , Queen, and Bob Dylan just to name a few. I go back to songs I have learned just to be sure I can remember how to play them. And I smile and relax as I am strumming my acoustic. My intention in writing today wasn't just to document my journey to actually learning how to love playing an instrument. Something small happened while I was playing the other day that turned out to be a microcosm of my life at the current moment. I am learning how to play R.E.M.'s song "The One I Love" and there is a beginning piece that is a bit complicated for me to play (damn you, Mike Mills!). Well, as I was practicing the other day I was intently looking at the notes when I noticed something. My entire body was rigid. My teeth were clenched, my fingers were tense, and my arms were stiff. I immediately relaxed everything and tackled the notes again. As soon as I hit the first string, however, the same tense stance came back into play. I realized that when I was learning a new piece my body often went into this strained position which couldn't be good for any learning to take place. I decided to purposely relax the hold on my guitar and the muscles in my arms and face. It felt so much more comfortable playing those notes although as of today's practice session, I still don't have them down. I allowed myself to just play the notes as well as I could and then progress to the part of the song that was much easier for me to strum. I think this intense focus can be used to bring about a lot of good in my life. I'm sure this is part of the reason why I have always interviewed really well and why I'm able to analyze different standards and strategies and apply them successfully to the students in front of me. This piercing desire to provide the best instruction I can has helped me develop into a very responsive teacher which I believe has benefited my students immensely. However, I'm discovering that this same intensity can also blind me to possibilities and patterns that I would normally see quite easily. For instance, long ago I had a student who refused to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance. He was a Canadian citizen and did not feel the need to salute the flag. Since I was a young teacher and did not have the flexibility so needed when you are dealing with pre-adolescent children, I insisted he stand and made a huge deal about it. Now that I have a wider viewpoint and have had to deal with problems much more serious than not standing for the pledge, I can see how my stubborn stance turned something small into a huge problem. This boy's refusal to stand for the pledge was just the tip of the iceberg of rebellion that was streaming through his veins. If I had been more understanding, more open to his real problem (being angry that both of his parents left him with relatives while they went to work in NYC), I could have built a bond with him instead of the rift that I caused which never really got mended (He is still the student that I feel "got away" from me). This "tunnel vision" which I had when practicing the difficult part of the song and displayed when trying to change the behavior of a student has reared its head again in my life. In my career I have taught all the elementary grades except for third grade. By far, the most productive and pleasurable time of my professional life is when I was teaching first grade. The reasons for this are plentiful: I love teaching kids how to read; I love helping them discover the joy of writing their own stories; I can do the math with no problem at all (fifth grade math has progressively become so difficult as any parent of a fifth grader will tell you). But most of all the growth and development of the child from September to June is unlike any other grade level. This is what I'm addicted to: seeing my students grow SO much in 9 short months. I have been trying to get back to first grade ever since I (stupidly) gave up my position in 2008. I thought I was going to get my chance both last year and this year but it isn't meant to be. And this has been very hard to accept. I have cried over not getting the opportunity to teach the little ones. I have envied those of my friends who are lucky enough to get to work with their new group of first graders. I have misdirected my anger at family members who have nothing to do with whether or not I get the chance to teach the little ones. I have focused only on my loss and not allowed myself to feel the excitement of a new school year which, even after 25 years, I usually feel every August. So, I am using this blog post to officially relax into the new school year. Just as a surfer needs to relax into his stance, I am relaxing into my comforting routines of August. I used part of today to go over my class list and create contact forms for my summer phone calls. I know several of the students who are coming to me this year in fourth grade, and they are little loves. The tunnel vision is off, and I'm thinking about all the changes that my most excellent team mates and I talked about installing for this year. And speaking of my team mates, I am reminding myself how lucky I am to have grade level colleagues who help make my job so much fun in the first place. As much as I wanted to leave fourth grade, the people (both students and adults) make me so glad I stayed.
I'm not giving up my goal of getting back to first grade. And I'm sure there will be more than a few times that I look over wistfully at the little ones in line, their index finger on their lips and their hands on their hips, as they file past me and my gigantic fourth graders. But I'm not going to let it distract me anymore from the fact that I have a rewarding job and a multifaceted career in education that I have proudly built one step at a time. Eventually, the tide will turn and I will be "good enough" to make it back to first grade.
The topic of acceptance has been a theme running through my life lately. I've had more than a few disappointments this year and a few life-changing incidents from which I'm still reeling. Trying to accept things the way they are is a daily struggle but one that I know I need to participate in so that I can more forward in a positive and confident manner. As I have stated earlier in this blog, I like to plan things out which really is a nice way of saying I can be a control freak. I have found that this quality is the direct antithesis to a life guided by acceptance. So, I decided that I was going to try and break things down to what is real in my life and what is my distorted image of reality. I asked on Facebook for people to describe me in 3 words or less knowing fully that a question like that would most likely inspire positive words and I was right. With the exception of one cousin who sarcastically answered my question (scary, crazy, ugly...love you too, cuz!), people were more than generous with their descriptions. Before I received any replies, I wrote down what I thought were my applicable words. When I compared the lists, I was surprised to find that there were two qualities that came up very often on my friends' lists that did not even appear on my list: funny and caring. Now, I know that these two qualities are definitely a large part of my identity yet when I reflected on ways to describe myself, they were left out. Why had I discounted these two positive qualities yet included more than a few negative qualities (stubborn, naive, short-sighted)? Why do I have such a hard time acknowledging or accepting the likable parts of my personality? I know some of it has to do with how I was brought up. My parents were not braggarts although their accomplishments as business people and survivors are too numerous to list here. They also did not hold to the current parenting techniques of building up a child's self-esteem or even acknowledging the strengths of their children (no tiny violins needed here...they were raising us the best way they knew how). So the thought of being proud of our positive qualities really never was encouraged. Now, the parts of our personalities that needed to be "fixed"....that they had plenty to say about. So much so that Dr. T and I spend a lot of time trying to get those perfectionist voices out of my head. Because here's the thing: if you only give attention to the negative qualities of your personality, then that is what you freely acknowledge and accept about yourself. I am learning that to be a whole person with a balanced view of one's life, you have to be willing to celebrate your strengths as well as resolving to work on your weaknesses. Otherwise, when life throws the inevitable curve balls that it always does, you won't have a clear view of how to deal with it. Instead of striking out at the plate by playing the victim or blaming myself totally, I need to see the curve ball for what it is: a temporary stumbling block that has already come and gone. I am trying to work though this life lesson by using the characters of Seinfeld to reflect on a recent disappointment (remember those curve balls I was just talking about? stay with me here). My feelings for a friend turned romantic, and I have spent a lot of time trying to accept the situation as it now stands (he won't speak to me and clearly wants nothing to do with me). As painful as this acceptance is I need to not only strive for it but to embrace it fully if I intend on moving on with my life. Here are the parts of my personality that have been at work so far. The George Factor - The "George" part of my personality believes that I did nothing wrong and am a total victim of the situation. At the same time, this part of my personality thinks that this disappointment was inevitable because things never work out for me. Just as George never seems to find the woman or job of his dreams, I believe that fate has only provided me one disappointment after another. Even when George had his dream job (an executive for the New York Yankees...c'mon! perfection!) he still finds ways to destroy that blessing through his own insecurities. If George could have just stopped and appreciated what he had for what it was, he would have been happier. I also could benefit from just appreciating the friendship I had with this man. and the lessons that I have learned from the situation. The Elaine Factor- The "Elaine" part of me is the part that puts on the act of having everything together. Just like the character pretends not to care less when Jerry or George have a new dilemma in their lives, on the outside I have pretended that the loss of this man from my life means nothing to me. Elaine always seemed in public to be the most put-together of the quartet, yet we the viewers get to see her at her worst like when she falls for a "wake-up" caller or a Blockbuster movie critic who turns out to be a teenager. Pretending that I'm okay when I'm not is a life-long habit that I'm hoping to overcome through the act of acceptance. When I feel the pain of missing this person, I am going to try and just let that feeling happen instead of desperately trying to find a way to push it away. The Jerry Factor- Since Jerry was the star of the show, it makes sense that his character is the one that all the others revolve around. Most of the time he is the voice of reason in the cockamamie plans of his friends. There are numerous examples of times that Jerry would try to convince George that a scheme of his just wasn't going to work (i.e. shoplifting from a pharmacy because he felt the clerk didn't give him the right amount of change, slipping a "mickey" to a former boss in order to get revenge, going back to post-lesbian Susan for a relationship). Even though we usually saw him as the voice of reason, there were also memorable times when Jerry let himself get swept up in George's ideas (i.e. I believe it's called menage a trois; getting engaged to settle a bet). Yes, I am an intelligent and caring person as my friends so nicely wrote but I'm also the woman who fell for someone who was totally unavailable and proceeded to spend many months thinking he felt the same way. I need to accept the fact that although I was wrong about how this other person felt, I did feel love for him which in itself isn't a bad thing. It also was something I couldn't control so the guilt I feel needs to be let go as well (that's a hard one to deal with but I'm trying). The Kramer Factor- Although it might seem unlikely, Kramer is actually the character whom I feel is the most mentally healthy of the four friends. He accepts whatever comes his way and finds a way to incorporate it into his life seamlessly (one hour is too long to take a shower? no problem...just install a garbage disposal in the shower and prepare veggies for dinner at the same time as cleaning up). He doesn't keep his feelings pent up (returns peaches that aren't up to par and tells off the fruit guy) and rarely lets anyone else's assessment of him affect how he feels about himself (who cares if Jerry thinks having levels or the Mike Donahue set in his apartment is weird). Kramer lives his life according to what he feels is right and accepts people for who they are, including himself. Yes, I'm striving to become more Kramer-like (minus the humidity beat-up hair). The nascent Kramer part of my personality is slowly working on accepting that love doesn't always make sense. Sometimes love comes into your life just for the experience itself. Even though it may bring about the feelings of sadness or guilt, the act of loving is still worth the risk. And Kramer was always up for the next big thing whether it was becoming the guest of honor for the Mentally Challenged Awards dinner with Mr. Mel Torme or achieving his life-long dream of being an actor by appearing on Murphy Brown. I will take my lead from Kramer and accept all that life throws my way. Hopefully, I can do it with more grace than Elaine shows on the dance floor.
