Telling the Truth

 Now that I have been working out for close to two months, there are certain truths that have been revealed to me.  Some of these truths were counterintuitive to a lethargic being like me, such as the idea that exercise can make you feel great.  I always scowled and (in my mind....usually) swore at my friends who said they were "addicted" to working out.  It just didn't make sense to me that pushing yourself to the point of exhaustion could be beneficial.  While I will never say I am now addicted to it, I can say that there are benefits that I hadn't counted on.  So here are some of the truths about exercise that I have uncovered in the past 8 weeks.

1. Once you find the right form of exercise, you will be motivated to continue.  I believe the workout that I do right now is technically called interval training which is defined as "training in which an athlete alternates between two activities, typically requiring different rates of speed, degrees of effort, etc".  I call it "I can do anything for 45 seconds" training.  My trainer, owner of Hiit It With Brit, is one of those encouraging, dedicated trainers who seems to be everything to everyone.  What I mean by that is that she gives just the right sort of encouragement for each athlete.  For instance, she pushes the more experienced participants to challenge themselves with more weight or a higher kick.  And then for newbies like me she models modifications that still are intense enough to be effective.  I doubt I would be successful with interval training if it weren't for Britt and her fellow trainers.  But the different daily workouts that go along with this type of training really make each workout interesting and challenging.  I find myself  on days off from the gym checking on Facebook to see which workout I missed out on.  And speaking of off days...

2. I need to ease my body into increased days of exercise.  For me, I have found that 3 days a week are totally doable.  One of the reasons is that I have an "off" day in between each of the work out days.  The two weeks that I tried to work out on back to back days I ended up so sore that I skipped my normal days.  That led me to working out only one day last week, and bouncing back into class today after a week with no workouts was brutal.  While my goal is to work out 5 days a week, I have learned that I need to work up to that.  I'm thinking about walking/running on the off days for about 30 minutes.  That way I'm still  exercising and training my body to have physical activity daily.  This mind set of getting physical activity worked into every day is definitely a new one for a former human slug like me.   New beliefs abound these days including this next truth about sweating.

3. Sweating is an essential result of challenging myself.   I am no girly-girl but the thought of sweating in front of others used to be so scary to me (okay, maybe I am a girly-girl).  If I was at a party or gathering and started to sweat, I would be so embarrassed.  Now when I sweat I know it is a sign of hard I am working out my body.  If you are doing interval training and you don't sweat, something is definitely wrong.  I now consider my beet red face and my dripping clothing a badge of honor signifying my hard work and dedication to doing as many of the exercises as possible.  I still try not to have to go anywhere after working out due to the fact that I resemble a dripping tomato after a workout, but I'm no longer embarrassed about how I look.  I know that it is a sign that I'm working out my muscles intensely enough to warrant the bedraggled look.  One of the reasons I'm able to work up a good sweat is because of the modifications that I use.

4. Modifications are a chubby girl's best friend.  When I first started working out, I was very intimidated by the types of exercises the class was using.  But I used my instincts and just did the ones I thought I could do.  And this is where it was essential to have an awesome trainer like Britt.  She has been able to coach me on ways to modify the exercise or do a completely different one that would work out the same muscle group.  While moves like burpees and jumping jacks are still out of my range for now, I have challenged myself to do more of the floor exercises like planks and push ups.  At first I felt like I was cheating by not pushing myself to do the assigned exercises, but once I realized I was still getting in a great workout it all made sense to me.  The best thing about modifications is that I'm learning which exercises can be replaced by others without Britt needing to tell me.  In the teaching world we call slowly taking away the supports for a learning activity "scaffolding" and this is what I find myself doing.  Whether it takes me a month or a year, I push myself to give up the modifications for the harder exercises.  Pushing myself is at the heart of the last truth.

5. Challenging myself is rewarding and (yes!) addicting.  Brittany reviews all the exercises that make up our routines at the beginning of class.  As closely as I pay attention, I still find myself shaking my head and practically talking myself out of being able to do the exercise.  Once the routine begins, I sneak looks at the more experienced athletes and attempt to do the actual exercise or use a modification.  I have been amazed at some of the things that I have been able to do or get close to doing.  As much as the flight response is activated once I see what Britt wants us to do, I have never left a class without even trying.  While it may look to others that I'm not working hard because of the modification I"m using, I know the truth.  Lifting weights, running sprints, and using exercise bands for rowing are activities I never would even try a year ago.  Because I found this safe environment (the gym is www.hiititwithbritt.com) in which I could challenge myself, I have made great gains in my fitness.  I also have set goals related to my fitness that I know I will reach.  And that feeling of achievement is what is addicting.

These are some of the truths I have discovered so far.  I will keep mining my experiences for positive landmarks like these so that I can eventually become the fabulous fit 50 year old I am striving to be.

50/50 Blues

I have 3 or 4 friends with whom I have been friends for 30 years.  Whether we met in high school or college, these are the friends I turn to when I want to celebrate or when I need to vent.  They know me better than anyone outside of my family.  Each of them is so different from the other; one is a genius when it comes to anything to do with science (and manages to turn middle schoolers onto science as well) , one is a wonderful artist and the most organized person I know, and the other is a fashion icon as far as I'm concerned.  But there is one thing that binds them together in my mind: they all will turn fifty before me!

OK, so maybe it's only by a matter of months (well, only by 5 days for one of them) but it still is a distinction that I love to celebrate...and to tease them about.  Recently, one of them declared that she couldn't believe she would be fifty next year.  This milestone age always seemed so far away yet here we are all about to claim it as our own.  I started thinking about the last milestone birthday, 40,  and how I decided to live my life leading up to it.  I really dreaded turning 40; I felt like my 30s would go on forever.  As they were coming to a close, I spent a lot of time comparing myself to other people my age and got very depressed.  I felt like all of my goals were still years and years away from being met.  I'm not even sure that I was hopeful enough to even acknowledge any progress I had made.  This period of time (from around 38-40) marked a very low point in my life as I made a series of decisions that could be labeled as the typical mid-life crisis.  I abruptly quit my job in a very good district, a place where I was helping students and surrounded by people I truly loved.  I moved to Rochester and left my car and beautiful house behind.  While I had always loved Rochester and wanted to move there, if I had been thinking clearly I would have at least been sure to have a job waiting for me (I lucked out and found a job in August).  I got the first of three tattoos (no regrets there) and finally "celebrated" turning 40 by suffering a compound ankle break and spending my actual birthday in the hospital, sedated because of the emergency surgery that needed to be performed.  It was a true example of the law of attraction at work in my life.  I was so sure that my forties were going to suck that I attracted these bad things happening.

Whether or not one believes in the law of attraction, it is evident that dreading a number is not a positive way to spend your life.  I've decided to do things differently this time around.  I am looking forward to 50 and setting some goals to work towards which will benefit me at any age.  I'm not making 50 the deadline to attain these goals but looking at it more like recognizing any progress I make on the way there.  I have already made progress towards these goals and will continue to work on them with my focal point being October 23, 2017.  On that day I want to be able to look at this blog and realize how much progress I have made.  To that end, I have decided to write about my goals and progress because I have read many articles and books which have stated that writing down your goals helps cement your commitment level.  I could have done this in my private diary but what fun would that be? Now I have all of you to help me be more accountable! I hope that when those of you who know me see me you will ask me how I am progressing with my goals.  Holding me accountable will help me not only stay committed, but also may help some of us bond over common goals.

Now, about those goals.  I'm going to warn you, some of them may seem frivolous or unattainable to you.  That's okay because they are not your goals : ) I do urge you to think about your own goals and set your own timetable (no need to wait for a milestone birthday).  For me, each of these goals represent something I am already working towards.  While some are definitely more important to me than others, they all will improve my life in one way or another.  So with no further ado, here are my 5/50 Goals:

1. The most important goal for me is to be fit by 50.  Earlier this summer I started attending some intense workout classes on a regular basis.  Most of the summer I have attended anywhere from 2-4 days a week.  Having said that, this past week I only attended one class and over did it.  I was sore the rest of the week and didn't push myself to go.   I think I was sore because I went from doing one or two of the floor exercises to doing ALL of them too quickly.  Now, on the one hand I'm so proud of myself that I did them all; I was terrified when I started that I would never be able to do even one.  You see, for the longest time I have not been able to get up from a sitting position on the floor.  For a teacher of young ones, this is a handicap that gets in the way of my connection with them.  After only a few weeks of going,  I am confident enough to know that I can get up on my own from the mat.  But as my trainer keeps telling me, I need to push myself without overdoing it.  By the age of 50, I intend to be in much better shape than I am now.  No weight goals beyond being at a weight where I can comfortably go for an hour walk.  From the most essential goal to the least...

2.  I will grow my hair out by the time I turn 50. I had beautiful long curly hair from around the third grade (when I begged my mom for a Dorothy Hamill bowl cut and ended up looking like Paul McCartney circa 1963) until I turned 25.  Because even in my 20s I felt the weight of milestone birthdays and 25 felt like a big one (one I looked forward to instead of dreading...and 25 was a great year).  Ever since then I have had a love/hate relationship with a pixie cut.  When I had shorter hair, I wanted it longer.  When it started to grow out, I longed for the ease of the pixie.  But now I'm making the decision to see how long I can grow out my hair.  It now is almost at the longest I've had it in a while but that's not saying much.  I'm going to make it through this uncomfortable "in-between" stage which is where I usually give up.  Again, no where near as important by some of the other goals but one I intend to push myself towards.

3.  I will continue my education.  Although I keep up to date on educational research and do lots of professional development, I actually haven't been in school since about 2005.  Part of the reason for this is that there is so much I want to study.  I'm interested in getting certification in reading, k-12 and in becoming an ENL (English as a second language) teacher.  I also want to achieve National Board Certification in Literacy and to achieve a Ph.D in Literacy.  So instead of picking one and going for it, I have let years pass with no progress towards any of them.  I am leaning towards National Board Certification and will make a final decision in September (more to come).  By the time I'm 50, I will either have certification or need to retake certain sections to attain it.

4. My personal/professional lives will be in better balance.  I spend way too much time on my school work.  Then I spend too much of my personal time in front of the telly.  This is the one goal that I actually haven't made progress towards.  I'll be looking for some fun hobbies, sports, or activities to try in the coming year or so.  I will write about them to let you know which ones stick and which ones don't.  If you have any suggestions of things I might like to try, feel free to let me know.

5. I will be a mother.  This is a goal that I had given up on recently.  But after doing some serious soul searching I've decided it's one I can't let go of.  I feel like I was put on this earth to be a mother to some child.  I have written about how I have used my nurturing side to take care of both my students and my niece. Because of my failures in the China adoption process, I had given up hope of being a mother.  But now I'm on the road again to finding my child.  If all goes well, I will have a child with me by my 50th birthday.  Of course, plans can go astray but it won't this time.  I'm willing this wish to finally come true.  I hope to be able to give more details very, very soon.

So, there it is.  My plan to make 50 fabulous.  While I reserve the right to adjust the goals, I will make the commitment to report on my progress in upcoming blog posts.  It is my intention to not bring about the same horrendous results that turning 40 created.  No 50/50 blues for me.

What A Wonderful World

My last few posts have seemed to have a "death" theme.  Unfortunately, that is just how this summer has been going.  Even the last few fiction books I've read have dealt with the topic of death (Towers Falling and Love Letters to the Dead).  But things are looking up, and I thought I would include some more positive updates in this entry.  

I have mentioned how my family lost my cousin, Michael, last year but I've never talked about his great girlfriend, Darcey.  Michael and Darcey had been together for a few years and shared their lovely home with a couple of cute basset hounds.  Darcey, like all of us who loved him, was devastated by Michael's loss but with the help of her family and friends found a way to carry on.  She and Michael adored her 3 year old niece, Hanna.  Michael doted on Hanna, and loved to be silly with her.  On top of all the other baggage associated with grieving, Darcey was worried about how she would explain Michael's absence to Hanna.  She ended up telling her that Michael missed his mom so much that he went to be with her.  Hanna accepted this and rarely asked about Michael again. Although this may have bothered Darcey, she let it go and didn't bring Michael to her attention again. Flash forward to a few weeks ago, when Darcey is giving Hanna, who is now 5, a bath.  Here is a rough transcript of their conversation:

H: Where is your dad?

D: My dad?  Papa is my dad, and he is outside.

H: No…what’s his name…Mike.

D: Uncle Mike?

H: Yeah…where is he?

D: He went to go live with his mom…

H: Is he ever coming back?

D: No…he missed and loved her so much he had to go live with her.

H: Where does she live?

D: Farrr farrr away

H: Do you ever talk to him?

D:  I talk to uncle Mike all the time…he says he loves you soooo much.

H: He loves me?!?!

D: Yes he does…and always will

Darcey knows that I believe that our loved ones look for ways to contact us so she contacted me to see what I thought.  I know that children can be more open to seeing spirits than adults so I told her that I thought maybe Michael had appeared to her in a dream. Perhaps he did this to let Darcey know he was watching over them both.  I offered to do an angel card reading on it to see if it would give any clarification.  I can tell you that the cards confirmed that there was a message from Michael, but don't want to go into too many details because it was a private reading.  But the main themes of the cards really speak to anyone who is grieving a loss and/or having a hard time moving on.  So, here are some of the messages that the cards gave Darcey but ended up helping me as well.  I hope some of you reading this will be able to benefit from it too.  

Card 1- Take back your power.  Use your intention to manifest your blessings in your life.  Are you struggling with a decision to move forward on some dream you have? If so, this card is saying to have no fear. You have everything you need to make this dream come true.  Don’t consider yourself a victim because you are a strong and spiritual being.

Card 2- Divine Order- Everything is how it needs to be right now.  Look beyond the illusion and see the underlying order.  A win-win situation is at hand.  Again, if there is a dream that you have been hesitating about, don’t! Now you have two cards telling you that you will be successful. Keep your spirits high through prayer and positive affirmations.  Above all, make sure you speak positive statements only especially when talking about this dream/plan you have in mind.

Card 3- Nurture- This card advises you find ways to nurture your inner child.  Take time to play, laugh and to be silly! Spend time with the young because spending time with a younger person will nurture both of you.  

Card 2 really spoke to me because frankly I have been less than pleased with how my personal life has been going this summer.  Adoption seemed as far away as ever and I'm still dealing with being separated from someone I care for.  The control freak in me has fought against these disappointments by not accepting the situations.  I'm sure you have heard the expression that when one door closes, another opens.  Well picture me slamming myself over and over against that first door in order to make it open.  In both cases, all that happened was that my heart became battered and bruised.  The zen message of the Divine Order card really took me aback. I thought about how I was angry with God with how things have been going in my personal life, despite my many prayers and actions.  The reminder that I'm not in charge and that life is meant to be lived  and not controlled was a much needed one.  Maybe things didn't work with China because my child is not there.  Maybe he is somewhere else in the world.  Maybe the man I love has a different destiny and his own set of lessons to learn which would contradict where my path is leading me.  He is important to me, and I will always love him but by letting go I'm allowing the Universe to bring the best to both of us whether that means being reunited or not.  

Instead of hurting, these thoughts actually give me some comfort and some hope for the future. In the end, I felt like the message of these cards was not just for Darcey and me but for all the people who miss and love Michael.  Because that really is who Michael was: a man of few words but who always showed his love for his family through actions.  It would be just like him to whisper these messages to a five year old and leave it to her to bring our attention to it.  So, now I'm going to ask all of you to help me put these messages into action.  I am not giving up on adoption and am already on another track to become a mother.  I'm asking those of you that pray to say a prayer for me to help keep me strong and positive.  And another thing you can do is to follow the advice of these cards: Be strong and live your intentions! Let go of how you think your life "should" look and let the Universe spin its magic. And finally have fun with your inner child. Celebrate life and have fun with the young and old alike who share your journey.  Think of what a wonderful world it would be if we all lived this way!

My City of Ruins

There are lots of positives to having a big Italian family like mine.  I always had cousins to play with when I would tire of my younger sister, and my older cousins introduced me to my love of the Yankees, basketball, and great bands like The Who and The Rolling Stones.  My aunts and uncles doted on me and would spoil me with compliments and treats. My Aunt Emilia even let me live with her family one summer when my parents were split working between Albany and Lake George. When you have a big family, there are lots of people to love you.  Unfortunately, there are a few negatives too.  When you have so many people to love, you also have multiple heartaches when you lose a member of a large family.  In the past 15 months we have had to say goodbye to my beloved cousin, Michael,  and my sweet Uncle Joe.  Now my cousin, Danny, has lost his courageous and beautiful wife, Josie, leaving their 6 children mourning their kind and generous mother. I ache for their loss and realize how lucky I am to have had both of my parents well into adulthood.  Each of these losses reverberate through a large family like mine with little echoes of pain from previous losses.

With Josie's death weighing heavily on my heart, I had to drive to Canada this weekend to take my niece and her friend to Bravo Con (the Comic Con of video games) in Toronto.  Just like the lame old joke says, I made the mistake of assuming that my I-phone would work outside of the US.  This wrong belief led me to have to navigate the 4 and 5 lane highways without my GPS.  This wasn't a problem when the girls were in the car because they used their phones to help guide me through the maze of roads.  But the other times when the girls weren't with me were pure hell on earth.  After dropping the girls off with their chaperone and friends, I had to try to remember the way back to the hotel. Needless to say, I became very lost...more than once.  I was cursing my phone service and the blip which was causing it not to work.  Here I was in a great city like Toronto but was completely unable to explore much because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find my way back to the hotel. I was never a super confident driver but doing so without the safety net of GPS made me anxious, nervous, and very scared.  However, by the end of the whirlwind weekend, I felt confident of my ability to manage those highways without too much help from the GPS. I was able to find my way to certain places and was helped by the Canadian families my niece was visiting.

It reminded me of another time in my life when I felt like I had lost my direction.  Anyone who has lost a loved one knows how uncomfortable and disorienting it can be those first few months after his/her death.  Things that you did on automatic pilot  like grocery shopping or driving to work can become emotional obstacle courses.  The punches that grief delivers can strike you at any time and make you feel like you will never be able to find your way again.  Whether one week, one month, or one year passes, the potential of grief to knock you off course never completely disappears.  While it's different for every person, I'm pretty sure that the death of a loved one is the one of the most stressful things you can go through.

When I lost my father, grief played its constant mind games with me.  I suddenly felt unable to do basic things like interview for a new position.  Shortly after he died, I was called to interview for a position in Syracuse.  Moving for a job had been a possibility before my father passed and I was excited at the prospect of starting fresh in a new city.  But when the day for the interview came I felt uneasy and ill-prepared (and anyone who knows me knows how over prepared I get when it comes to interviews).  As I sat in the office waiting for my turn to interview, I suddenly was overcome with my first full fledged panic attack.  I excused myself from the office on the pretense of making a phone call and drove all the way back to Albany.  My whole sense of being was shaken to the core, and my priorities were knocked out of order.  I felt like getting a job that would take me so far away from my family would not only be wrong but should be unthinkable.  Without my father to anchor me, I felt like I didn't even know myself or my goals anymore.

While not everyone suffers panic attacks after losing a loved one, I do believe we all change in one way or another.  Having distance from the grenade that was launched into my life the day my father died, I now can see how I have changed for the better.  For instance, I have more faith in my ability to get through ANYTHING because losing him was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.  I fought (and still fight) my depression and anxiety and envisioned myself teaching once again, a goal that I reached three months after my dad's death.  Just like I found my way on the streets of Toronto without my GPS, I created a "new normal" in my life without my dad.  While I'm sure losing my mom will create the same havoc in my life, the difference will be that I will have lived through great loss before and am stronger because of it.  My wish for my young cousins (and for anyone else experiencing the excruciating pain of grief) is that they remember that even though all feels lost now, a new path will open. That path will be graced by the love of their angel mother and the strength they gain from living through the sadness and coming out the other side changed for the better.  You will rise up and find your way again.