Loser

Rejection- nobody likes to feel its sting.  Yet, it’s almost impossible to make it through a lifetime without becoming too acquainted with the sensation.  I’ve been thinking about the various ways that rejection has reared its ugly head in my life and how I reacted to it.  Many people will tell you that how you react to a negative situation is most important in determining its power over you, and based on my observations and experiences this is mostly true.  Oh yes, there are the few and far between people who seem to have Teflon personalities who don’t let any form of rejection stop them from their agendas (i.e. Mr. Trump) but most of us seem at least momentarily to be sidetracked by the punch of rejection. 

I’ve been very lucky when it comes to my career.  It has led me to different school districts and different kinds of jobs all surrounding my love of children, reading, and writing.  But there was a period of time not so long ago when it seemed like every job for which I interviewed was a dead end.  I can remember driving my mother to visit my sister who was in a hospital in MA at the time.  I felt so sure of getting this position for which I had just interviewed that I was bubbly telling my mother all the ideas I had for the new school year.  That bubble of excitement was burst with a text informing me that I did not get the job.  Now, this rejection happened at the beginning of my father’s battle with leukemia so granted I was already emotionally fragile. But my reaction of not getting this position was to start crying right there going 65MPH  on I-90 East. I allowed it to make me miserable not just that day but for many weeks following. I allowed myself to fall back into a depression that threatened any joy that tried to make its way into my life.  Now that I have distance and a much better paying teaching position, I realize how that rejection was really a blessing.  Because I was not working full time during this time period, I was able to spend more time with my father both at home and at his frequent chemotherapy/blood transfusion appointments.  At the time I could not see the Divine’s greater plan so I was pretty miserable.  Instead of seeing it as a blessing in disguise, I dwelled on the pain and embarrassment of not working. 

But then a funny thing happened…well, not funny in a “ha ha” way; it’s what I call a God’s Gotcha Moment.  I was still essentially unemployed at the end of my father’s life although I was working some per diem days grading exams.  On the day of his funeral as we were riding in the limousine on the way to the cemetery, I received a voice message.  I listened to the message just to distract myself from the sadness of the day and heard that my interview for a position with the New York State Education Department was cancelled because another applicant had decided she did want the position. Since she had a higher score on the exam we took, she had the right to first refusal.  Now, this rejection also hit me at a highly emotional time in my life.  However, my reaction to this blow was literally to start laughing.  My mother asked me what I was laughing at and I didn’t tell her because I didn’t think she would see the humor.  I believe now that my laughter was the result of this God’s Gotcha Moment.  I mean really, how much more pathetic can you be than to be burying your father and your chance at finally getting a really good position all in the same moment?  In other words, I realized that there were other things in life that were more important than that job.  Being with my father over the course of that year allowed me to get a better perspective on the whole situation.  My father himself assured me before his death that a teaching position would become available in this area (which it most certainly did).  Until it did appear, I was able to help my mother through all the aftereffects of losing a spouse.   

I have carried this lesson with me during the past three years as I struggled with issues at work and that “letting go and letting God” thing really did work.  But as I have often written about in this blog, things haven’t worked as smoothly in my personal life.  I’m dealing with trying to understand “God’s Gotcha Moment” that I’m currently experiencing.  Some people that I really should leave in the past keep pulling at my emotions.  I have allowed people who really don’t care about me have power in my life and that makes me angry.  Now, I will take anger as an emotion over depression any day.  But we all know that anger unexpressed can be a soul crusher.  So I’m trying to work out how to deal with the repeated stings of rejection and to let the Universe bring new people in my life.  I’ve already been blessed with some great new people who have become friends in the true sense of the word.  They support me with reaching my fitness goals and with doing the best for the kids we teach.  My dilemma revolves around my compulsion to give certain people yet another chance to build bridges when all they seem to want to do is to burn them.  In the end I think trying to live the Serenity prayer is going to be my best bet to bounce back and finally break the constant flow of rejection that I have been experiencing. 

            Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (like   stupid people who don’t appreciate the great person I am),

            the courage to change the things I can (like to forget persons X and Y ever existed as they have easily done with me),

            and the wisdom to know the difference (and not to keep banging my head         against the wall and writing dopey blog posts).

Yeah, and maybe throw an anger management course my way.