Grace

Serendipity is defined as a "fortunate happenstance" or "pleasant surprise".  I've had this phenomenon happen to me a few times, and each time it ushered some of the happiest times of my life.  For instance, one year I was selected by a former student as the most influential teacher in her life.  As I was attending the dinner for this celebration, I ran into the superintendent of the school district where I had just interviewed for a new position.  She immediately recognized me and came up to talk to me. By the end of our conversation, I was sure that I was going to get the new job (which I did).  The sweetness of this event still brings a smile to my face.  I'm not sure if they were going to offer me the job before this event, but the serendipity surrounding that night was tangible and comforting.

So what is the word for the opposite of serendipity? Which word best describes what I have experienced this morning? You see, in the past few days I have received some upsetting news that has taken my plans and dreams for my future and has completely destroyed them.  Those of you who have known me for a while probably are aware that I have tried (and failed) for years to adopt a child from China.  China has had stringent laws surrounding the adoption of abandoned children, and many of them are formed to prevent someone like me adopting.  Even though I have no criminal record, have never been suspected of child abuse, and have extensive experience with children I have been unfit in the eyes of China to adopt.  In the past my biggest detriment was that I was single.  But once China opened up to singles once more, I thought that maybe I could possibly adopt.  I never thought that the medication I take could be used as a reason to deny me the right to adopt.  My great sin? The fact that I take medication to help me manage my anxiety and depression.  

I was all ready to adopt a little boy who had a minor medical need that could be easily handled here in the US.  He is only 18 months old and like any other baby needs a mother.  I have been preparing to move to an area with a good school district and was seriously thinking about changes that would have to be made in order to best facilitate my ability to be the best mom possible.  Things were going well until I found out about this one little regulation concerning China's attitude towards mental illness of any kind.  One little phone call and all of my plans are shattered.  At age 48 it seems like I have to come to terms with the fact that I will never be a mother.  Needless to say, it has been a sad week.  

Fast forward to this morning as I am trying to distract myself from this news.  I am doing one of those mindless Facebook quizzes that is totally random and based only on your profile picture.  This one promises to tell you what your name really means.  So the word geek in me decides that I need to know this result, and this is the word that comes up: MOTHER.  I guess the opposite of serendipity is irony. I have always thought that my true life purpose was to be a mother.  Friends and family have always told me how good I am with their children and how good of a mother I would be.  A good friend of mine once told me that I already was a mother in a way to my niece because of the close relationship we share.  But being a mother "in a way" isn't the same.  Being a nurturing teacher doesn't fill that hole in my soul.  Loving my pets and treating them better than many children are treated isn't the same.  Those of you that are parents must know what I mean.  Nothing can ever be the same as being a mother.

Seeing that word "MOTHER" on the screen shook me to my core.  I do believe that God or the Universe sends us messages and little nudges to encourage us in our darkest moments.  But I can't help and feel bitter about this stupid quiz result.  It feels like a taunt meant to pierce my heart.  So I turn to my writing, as I do so often, to help me make sense of it all.  Clarity may still be out of my reach, but I do believe that "Grace makes beauty out of ugly things".  Just going to take a while to get rid of the bitterness and sadness that I feel.