My job requires me to be patient and supportive all day long. I have learned how to compartmentalize my personal life and problems to keep them separate from my "teacher personality". This is especially important this year as I have one of the most challenging classes that I have had in a long time. These students want to learn, but many of them face such daunting circumstances in their young lives that I know my first job is to make sure they know they are safe and loved when they walk into the room. I often have to defuse situations and find myself de-escalating confrontations between students on a daily basis. Although I am far from perfect (I have lost my cool a few times already this year), I am pleased with how I have managed this class so far. Some of my toughest students are making progress in learning how to manage their own behaviors and how to get along with peers. While reading, writing, and arithmetic are still the important 3 Rs, I am more than satisfied that self-restraint is a goal that my students are working towards. I wish I could be as proud of how I have handled situations when the teacher mask comes off. This year more than any other year I find myself spouting negativity into conversations. I find that I have a short trigger when it comes to anything I view as a transgression. If there is even a hint of someone saying or doing something that doesn't meet my standard, I am suddenly bitching and complaining instead of trying to find a way to "make it work". Minor irritants like careless drivers and rude sales clerks have triggered my temper and produced overblown reactions. Signing in at work the other day, I greeted a colleague with such a sarcastic comment that he was physically taken aback. I immediately apologized and started to think I was truly changing into one of "those people". You know the kind of person I'm talking about. The person who walks into a room and drags a black cloud along with him. The person who can stop a conversation cold with a sharp comment. The person who no one wants to sit near because she will immediately start complaining and bring you down to her level. Typically, I am the direct opposite of "those people". In fact, I have often taken being a people pleaser to an extreme. One of the things I most like about myself is that I try to make others feel better and am quite sensitive to the moods and temperaments of others. I think it is a quality that makes me a successful teacher. However, this year I find myself using this skill and STILL finding a way to make a bad situation worse. I misinterpret the meaning of an off-handed comment and we're off to the races! Suddenly, my mind is whirling with reasons to be offended. So, why is this happening? Part of it may be the fact that I do feel the pressure of teaching in New York State in the 21st century. When your profession is constantly targeted and torn apart publicly, it does make one quite defensive. Having to keep my cool all day long with this demanding class also may contribute to my explosive mood swings. But I think there is more to it. I found myself the other day calling out a friend because a TWO WORD text message sounded dismissive to me. I actually found a way to twist two words (that weren't "fuck off") into an implication that she was upset with me. I convinced myself that she was being passive aggressive (a behavior I actually am known to show) and I pompously called her out on it. Turns out she was helping another friend move and just couldn't elaborate on her text. I immediately felt like the jerk that I was and apologized. Unlike other blog posts I have written, I don't have an answer or an explanation that makes sense. I was hoping that I was typing this entry, an answer would suddenly pop into my head. Alas, that isn't meant to be this time. So if you see me anytime soon, please ignore me if I spout out antagonistic messages. I'm really not angry with you... I'm just trying to figure it all out.
This school year isn't what I had envisioned at all. Back in the spring I had made the decision to transfer to another building in my district in order to return to the grade level I loved to teach: first grade. Back in the spring, I was preparing to adopt a child and achieve my life-long goal of becoming a mother. Back in the spring, I was pretty sure that I had grieved my father fully and was prepared to enter parenthood without any childhood ghosts making me feel "less than" anymore. Back in the spring, I was nurturing a love for a person who was totally unavailable to me in every way possible. Spring 2015 was basically my season of burgeoning hopes and dreams that were cushioning me from reality. A month into my school year I am experiencing one of the most challenging classes I have ever had. Behavioral issues, huge gaps in academic levels, and the unfortunate but usual problems associated with teaching kids living in poverty seem to be occurring at a higher rate than I have ever seen. Usually by October I have a good handle on the class and can see my routines that we have practiced finally taking hold in my students. This October is different. I'm struggling to find the right balance of firmness and compassion. In an effort to positively reinforce my students I have upgraded a behavioral system that has worked for me like a charm in the past. I am a firm believer that children respond to kindness and to being treated with respect. However, this year I am seeing that belief swatted away as if it were an annoying mosquito. In my mind I know that this disinterest in my efforts is a defense mechanism used by troubled children who have seen more in their 9 years of life than any person should see or experience in a lifetime. In my heart, it is still deflating and discouraging. I realize that if I had transferred to another building to teach first grade chances are that I would be facing similar problems on top of other ones. But the added disappointment of spending another year away from what my heart longs to do just adds to my discontent. As difficult as this school year has been, it still is one of the most positive things in my life. I enter every school day with a blank slate. Today can be different. Whatever negative incidents that happened yesterday are forgotten, and we move on. Today we will be positive and do our best work. These are the messages I give my students, and I stand by their veracity. I have tangible proof daily that good things can happen when a child is motivated and lives up to my high expectations for him or her. My students are sweet and show me more love daily than quite frankly I deserve. Every day I have the chance to return that love and build up their young spirits when they are feeling beaten down by those realities of childhood. So, I take things day by day and sometimes hour by hour or minute by minute. But I do see improvements, and those improvements will act as buoys on those turbulent days we have to face ahead. I wish my efforts could be as positive and effective in the other areas of my life. I am no closer to becoming a mother now than I was 15 years ago when I first hoped to adopt a child. Just this past week I have had two dreams of my father that have left me filled with sadness, regret, and the distinct knowledge that the grieving process isn't over for me. Physically, I feel a fatigue that seeps through my body and makes me lethargic. I want to be more active but am usually worn out after a long day at work. Exercising before work would mean getting up even earlier. That 5:30 alarm is already becoming difficult to rise to. And to top it all off I made the mistake of reaching out recently to the man I loved and was rejected yet again. Nothing seems to be improving despite my attempts to bring about positive change in my life. Cue the tiny violins... So, this school year isn't what I had envisioned at all. But at least I know that as we progress through the year, I will be able to influence my students to live their lives in a more positive way. No matter how much they fight me every step of the way, I will still start every day with the same belief that today will be better. Their Monday morning letters and heart covered drawings will be their expressions of love and trust that will be returned by me unconditionally. And even though it doesn't look like I will have a child of my own to carry on my legacy I realize that my true legacy will be carried out in the minds and hearts of my fourth graders. I can only hope that this attitude will cross over into other areas of my life so that I can have maybe not the school year I envisioned in the spring but one that helps me build new dreams for the future.
I love Autumn...it is by far my favorite season. There are so many reasons that the end of September and the beginning of October hold a special place in my heart. Quite selfishly I must admit that October is my favorite month of the year due to it being my birthday month. Unlike some of my friends, I love celebrating my birthday and plan on doing so this year even though I'm slowly creeping up on the scary five-zero. I hold on to birthday cards all year and drink in the heartfelt expressions of love that happen on that day. I also have many beloved cousins and friends who share my birthday month which means I get to celebrate their lives and our astrological connections all month long. While I technically am a Scorpio, I was born on the cusp (October 23rd) which means I have some Libra qualities as well. I have always thought that my good qualities (caring for others, peacemaker, love of beauty in all its forms) were attributed to my Libra side while my nasty characteristics (let's just say you don't want to piss me off) were solidly Scorpion. It's probably no surprise that most of my October birth-mates are Libras. While Scorpios are known to be sexy and trusted holders of secrets, Libras definitely make better friends.
Another reason I love Autumn is the change in weather. I am no fan of heat and humidity which seems to be heresy for most people. I know my roots are in a small island off the mainland of Italy, but this little sapling withers in the sultry summer weather. I recently discovered the joy of being on Cape Cod and truly can not wait to return. However, what I loved about being on the Cape was the brisk windy days and the beautiful ocean views. Being on the beach and in the water held no charm for me. One day in the far off future when taking a vacation in the fall will be possible, I know that Cape Cod (Chatham in particular) will be my first (and possibly only) destination. Living in London during the winter and spring of 1988 was one of my favorite periods in my life because of the weather. Although England experienced the coldest and snowiest winter it had had in years, it felt like a New York Autumn to me without all the magnificence of changing colors of leaves. The beauty of living in upstate New York in Autumn should go without saying, and adds to my love affair with the temperate season. Maybe the fact that winter often sneaks up on us in New York is another reason why I love Autumn: it sometimes can be as short as 5 weeks. You can all keep your Indian Summers; give me an Indian Autumn extending into December anytime.
Of course, my choice in occupation ranks high on the list of reasons I love Autumn. Around the same time each year for the past 25 years, I have been introduced to 25 or so little people who end up taking a large part in both my thoughts and my heart. The main reason I entered the profession of education is my love of nurturing children, and they continue to be the impetus for me not leaving the profession despite the increasing difficulties associated with being an elementary teacher in the state of New York (thanks so much for all the support, Mr. Cuomo). Now, I know it's no secret that summer is welcome to all teachers because of the chance to refresh and renew during July and August, and I am no different. By the time June rolls around, I am so ready for a break (although most summers are spent working on curriculum, my classroom, and/or some other job in order to supplement my income and to be prepared for the new class). But once we are in the heart of summer, I am dreaming of the Fall. Whether I'm rethinking my classroom management plan or reading new children's books to use in the new year, a good part of my summer is spent with an eye on the upcoming inauguration of a new school year. And God help me, I love being a school teacher.
One last attraction of Autumn is the postseason of baseball. As a RABID Yankee fan for the past 30 years, I have become accustomed to my team making it to the playoffs. In fact, the postseason became a given for me in the glory years of 1996-2000. Mr. Joe Torre should be canonized as far as I am concerned. Even when I see him today in his role as Executive Vice President of Baseball Operations, my heart flutters in appreciation of all that he has done to make me the smug and proud Yankee fan that I am (Really...if he needed a kidney, I'd give it to him with no questions asked). The glorious Core Four made up of Pettite, Posada, Jeter, and the holy Mariano Rivera always gave me a reason to rejoice as the calendar slowly moved to October. The recent postseasons without the Yankees in the playoffs have been diminished, but that dark period is now over as my beloved team has reached the wild card one game elimination (gulp!). While this may be their only appearance in the postseason, it still adds to my love affair with Autumn.
I guess the one common thread through all of these justifications for Autumn being the best season is that I like change. Baseball strategy has to adapt to the circumstances surrounding the play offs from against whom the Yankees are playing to how Girardi decides to set up the pitching rotation. The approach to the game needs to adapt to the changing conditions. The slow transition from mainly green and brown leaves in the spring and summer to the vibrant reds, oranges, yellows, and finally bare branches of the fall makes a commonplace trip from home to work a new journey of discovery almost every single day as more and more trees make the colorful transition. Being able to start anew each school year rejuvenates me and continues to give me hope for the future. I meet a crop of new students full of great aspirations and surmountable obstacles which we can work together to fulfill and to overcome. The cool Autumn breezes clear out the cobwebs from a summer spent miserably sweating or being over chilled in my air conditioned home. The balance of warm and cool seems perfect during late September to early November (which is when winter usual hijacks Autumn).
As for the changes associated with my birthday month...well, here is where Autumn and I sometimes part ways. For as much as I love celebrating my birthday, what I don't love is how my dreams for my future have had to change. From having a child to continuing a relationship with a man I love, my aspirations for my personal life has changed immensely especially in the time period from last fall to this one. Change to me is usually celebrated and welcomed with open arms...except when it comes to my relationships with others. Whether it is facing the changing personality of my elderly mother as she becomes more and more dependent on her children or realizing that some relationships (both platonic and romantic) are meant to be in my life for one season only, I struggle with accepting these adjustments. However, my faith in God, the Universe, and in myself is helping me come to terms with all the changes, both positive and negative, in my life.
