Roll With It, Baby

A year ago today I was embarking on a trip that would change my life forever.  In past blog entries, I have documented some of the lessons that I learned from this journey back to the hometown of my parents.  I remember being anxious about all of the legs of the journey (bus to NYC, flight to Rome, flight to Sicily) and unsure of how I would handle the numerous hurdles that international travel brings.  It all worked out better than I could have hoped, and I have never regretted the time spent with my mother in the place that nurtured and created the people I know and love as my parents.  The love and affection that was showered on me by the people of Antillo is something that I did not expect but gladly accepted.  Just as strong in its impact was the abject poverty that I witnessed in the ruins that at one time was the family home of the LoGiudices.  I pictured my father as a child growing up in a stone house overlooking a picturesque mountainside and wondered if ever in his wildest dreams he imagined the incredible life of prosperity and success that he would go on to have.  

I now find myself on the brink of another possible life-changing journey.  If you have read my blog entries lately, then you might have picked up that I'm not overjoyed with my life right now.  But like a lot of people who are trying to instill change into their lives, I'm feeling stuck and unsure of my abilities.  Action is clearly what is needed in order to break out of this funk yet it seems like every time I try to put something in motion, fate throws a wrench into my plans.  Just yesterday I made the decision to go into school to work on a grant that was funded by my district. Since I'm a creature of habit, I went to check my mailbox as I always do when I first enter the building.  But when I did that, I found something that literally felt like a punch to the stomach.  I don't want to reveal what it was but I can tell you it wasn't a pink slip or anything that had to do with my job at all.  But it was something that sucked all of the motivation right out of me. I quickly gathered the books I needed and left the building so that I could process this slap in the face in private.  

My normal way to handle an emotional disappointment like this would be to go home and beat myself up for trusting someone to treat me with the same respect that I treated all people.  But in the car I really thought about what would help me get over this hurdle. Would being alone to cry and wallow help me get past this hurt? I took a deep breath and decided that I needed to do something that I rarely do; I needed to reach out to a friend.  I needed the support of someone who doesn't have an agenda or a reason to judge me.  Although it took me a few tries, I managed to finally dial the number and reach out praying that my friend was home.  Luckily for me, she answered quickly and unluckily for her, my shaky voice betraying my emotional state said the words that have been so hard for me to say: "I need to talk to you."  

The friend I reached out to has known me since we were teenagers, and in all that time she has heard me say those words maybe a total of 10 times so I'm sure the words themselves threw her for a loop.  I went on to tell her I was really upset as if the emotion in my voice couldn't be detected.  When I asked if I could come over to talk, she immediately said yes and I could hear the worry in her voice.  As I told her what had happened, I felt what can only be described as a tidal wave of hurt come pouring out of me.  Dr. T had encouraged me to talk to my friends about my struggles but I dismissed the idea because I didn't really think talking would help anything.  I also didn't want to be seen as pathetic or weak by my friends. But all of those fears went away as I unloaded on my friend.  She listened and counseled me as best as she could.  One of the best things that she did for me (apart from just listening without judging me) was that she told me that the life I lead is very insulated.  I work, I go home, I visit with my mom. Repeat.  She encouraged me to find a way to break out of that pattern in order to open up my world a bit and not be so sheltered from the outside world.  

So, this is what I'm going to try to do.  I am challenging myself to try something new that takes me outside of my comfort zone each week for the rest of the summer.  I'm hoping that by opening myself up to new experiences that I will find a way to let go of the past and of the people who aren't meant to be in my future.  If anyone has any ideas about things to try, feel free to let me know.  I am opening myself up not only to new experiences but also to spending more time with people I know I can count  on.  Steve Winwood advises us to "roll with it" when things get tough, so I am ready to open myself up to all of the new experiences that  life has to give to me.  It worked for me last year in a little town in Sicily, and I'm hoping that lightning will strike twice.  By breaking out of this cage-like life that I've created for myself, I'm hoping that the only surprises in my future are the good kinds that lift me up rather than knock me down.