So, this week has been a happy one as I settle into the new baseball season.
People seem to be perplexed about baseball fans in general. No one ever questions why a football fan gets so worked up over his/her team. Not being a fan of football, I often wonder why so much of sports radio is so devoted to this game that has such a short season compared to baseball. Even now, with the baseball season in full swing (pardon the pun), most of sports radio is focused on individual football players and their run-ins with the law, the football draft, and even the summer camps that are still months away. There might be a conversation about how a lousy start one team is having (ahem, my Yanks) or about the crazy hot hitting streak displayed by another player ( like Toronto's Edwin Encarcion) . It just seems like people don't really pay attention to baseball until the dog days of summer. And by then, a team's season can be over. Football fans and broadcasters never seem to give up on their teams until the very last moment and even then, they are already looking into the next season. It just seems skewed to me somehow, but I admire how rabid their belief in their teams is. Maybe it's the length of the baseball season that gives us fans a more long-view approach to our excitement. In fact, if a team is playing too good in April baseball fans will say "Yeah, well it's only April. Let's see how they do in October". We also get pretty superstitious about things like not mentioning a perfect game or a no hitter in progress. It just seems like baseball fans are a much more cautious bunch when compared to the rah-rah football fans.
This dichotomy of football fever and baseball slow burn is reminiscent to me of how I view my professional goals versus my personal goals. I have written before about how I have had a unique career as an educator. I have held close to 10 positions in 27 years in education including stints as a literacy coach, professional development specialist, and teacher in every grade in elementary teaching except third grade. My places of employment have ranged from private schools to public school districts to BOCES organizations. Every time I made a move it was accompanied by the same excitement and confidence that football fans seem to ooze no matter what time of year it is. Whether I was leaving the classroom to try my hand at literacy coaching or finally getting to teach little ones again, I always had a positive and optimistic outlook. More than a few people have been puzzled by my decisions to leave certain positions to start over somewhere else (I have received tenure twice and left a district recently during my tenure year where I was pretty sure I would be getting tenure again). But the security associated with tenure never meant that much to me. I was confident that my skills as an educator were more than enough to ensure that my employment would be extended if I wanted it to be. I love keeping up on the latest educational research and need no one to tell me I need a certain number of professional development hours (Thanks anyway, NYSED). The confidence and fearlessness I have felt and displayed in my professional life have helped me develop a varied and interesting resume. I feel in the flow professionally, and every new position has made me better and better. And I STILL love being an educator...go Ms. Lo!
But there is a curve ball (can't help myself, sorry) or a definite contradictory force at work in my personal life. Most of my adult life I have wanted to be married with children. As much as I have loved teaching, I would have traded it all in a minute if I could have found the right man earlier in my life. All of the self-confidence and well thought out strategy associated with my professional life is more scarce when it comes to my personal life. Just like the team that is hot in April, when I have been attracted to a man in the past it seemed like I was always waiting for that other shoe to drop. While I may be confident in his feelings for me, there was also be that little voice cautioning me not to be too complacent. The perfectionist in me would rear its ugly head, and before I knew it my expectations were out of sync with the reality of the relationship. Sometimes I just made the wrong choice in who to allow in my life. Other times I just overlooked what was wrong from the beginning in the hopes that maybe he would become "The One". This mismatch of what I think I have with a man and what I actually do share with him has helped ruin more than one relationship. It's hard to get to be 48 years old and not become less than excited about the prospect of starting over with another man. Well meaning friends and family have urged me to try any one of a variety of strategies (match making web sites, cooking classes, community groups) equivalent with "putting myself out there" knowing full well that they would absolutely HATE to be in my position. Just like the Yankees, I have an end goal in mind. For them it's always the World Series. For me? It's meeting a man who is attracted to me that doesn't make my skin crawl. I joke, but the excitement of being attracted to someone new is hard to muster when my heart is still with a man who has moved on without me.
Right now I feel like that team in April that is off to a slow start yet still knows that a World Series appearance is a possibility. The Yankees are definitely that team this year. Their bats are silent but the pitching has been consistent. As a fan, I know that it's only April and that in time, they will start to hit...as long as they stay healthy...and hopefully the filthy 8th and 9th inning pitching will continue...because after all it is only April. I'm certainly not ready to throw in the towel on the season. I guess I can say the same about my personal life too. But as for my goal of becoming a wife and mother, it is no longer April. In fact, it feels like the dog days of August are upon me. While becoming a mother may be in the rear view mirror (still tear up even typing this), I guess it is still possible that I will be able to build a relationship with the right man. I just need to get back into the game.
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