What follows is an open letter to someone I have to let go. This man doesn't even know about this blog and probably will never read it. But my writing has pulled me through some difficult situations, and I find myself needing it to be my life preserver once more. If you have ever had to let go of something or someone close to your heart, you may see yourself in parts of this letter. I would love it if these words offer solace to anyone beyond myself but to be honest, this is a totally selfish letter that I just need to write. Dear You, I am reaching out to you one last time...I imagine this makes you simultaneously sigh with relief and shake your had in disbelief. I don't blame you. If past actions predict future behavior, then you have ample reasons to believe that this is just the latest "last ditch effort" to get a response from you. I guess only my future silence on the subject will convince you of my sincerity...so be it. All of my previous missives had one thing in common: desperation, more specifically my desperate attempt to keep you in my life. I refused to accept your decision to cut me out of your life. I was willing to risk rejection because I felt the reward of your attention was so worth it. My previous pleas probably reeked of that helplessness and I imagine they made you feel very uncomfortable. For that, I apologize. Guilt is not a feeling to build a relationship upon, and I should know that better than most. I don't want to explain away my behavior...it was wrong. I took the friendship you offered and ran with it. I left my heart unguarded and drank in your kindness like a cactus greedily stealing every last drop of rain that falls in the desert. I built up castles in the sky where there was only the brick and mortar of your friendship. Instead of taking the time to get to know you better and to let our friendship grow naturally, my greedy heart sped ahead to claim you as its own. Again, I don't want to make excuses but I have discovered that this is a long standing pattern in my life. The love that others seem to take for granted has always been an illusion for me fed by my fondness of soap operas, sappy love songs, and Shakespeare's sonnets. My romantic soul is a part of me that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world, but I have given it free reign in the past and transformed myself into a modern day bride of Frankenstein, fixated on whichever random man was giving me attention at the time. The reasons for this are mine to figure out and unimportant. Just know that your kindness was misinterpreted through no fault of your own. I believe everyone is broken in one way or another, and this is the fault line through my heart. It was caused long before I met you. So, what is different now? Why am I so sure that I won't slide into my old pattern of grasping for love where there is only (or was only) friendship? Acceptance. I have been working towards this stage for a long time now. I thought I had accepted the end of our friendship months ago but just like a nasty flu bug the rejection reverberated through my body and had me on my knees once again. And instead of wallowing in it and debating the future potential of "us", I have let your rejection settle deep into my bones. I have carried it with me as I start a new exercise regimen which is making me feel younger and more energetic than I have felt in years. It has accompanied me as I started a new teaching position that I absolutely love. It has been the last thing on my mind as I have fallen asleep and one of the first thoughts I have had upon awakening. And I have shed tears over the lost possibility of what we could have been which is allowing me now to see reality clearly. You have chosen to end our friendship, and it hurts. But there is nothing I can do to repair the damage. It's time to let you go. I am learning how to take this experience and mine some kind of truth and/or guidance from it. For a control freak like me, it is really hard to realize that I have no control over this situation any longer. You have made your choice, and I have to live with it. But I don't have to live with the hurt forever. And quite frankly I don't want to live with it anymore. I need to forgive myself for pushing so hard (once again) and trust myself to be more guarded the next time I feel those strong feelings of attraction. Most of all I need to respect your space and my dignity by not chasing after an illusion anymore. As you so well know, life is so short and I don't want to spend anymore time pining for something that never was. There are too many positive concrete changes in my life going on to perpetuate this fantasy. I'm sorry my lack of control and overzealousness has driven you out of my life. I wish you real love and companionship in the future just as I wish it for myself. Take good care, Fran
So, Valentine's Day has never been my favorite day. Despite the life-long romantic that I am, it has never been a day of much joy for me even when I did have a lover in my life (Now the day after Valentine's Day sale on chocolates? That day always brought me much joy!). But it's funny, this year is different. I mean I'm not in a romantic relationship...in fact, I'm still nursing a broken heart from an unrequited love relationship. And while it still makes me sad at times when I realize he never felt anything for me beyond friendship, I still am quite...well, happy with my life. I woke up this morning and realized that even though my former friend no longer speaks to me, I actually have lots of love in my life. Here is the short list: 1. I love my new job. It is hard, challenging, and exhausting most days but the quality of my life has improved 110% since I left my old district. I suspected the toxic environment and lack of respect from the administrators was affecting my outlook on life and I was so right. Yet, one month in I can honestly say that my home/work balance is so much more even now. I still work as hard but now I take the time to play hard too. 2. I have the craziest and eclectic family around. Often, I stick out like a sore thumb around my relatives like a single shamrock in a field of mediterranean roses. Yet, I know that every one of them has my back. I have cousins spread out from Connecticut to Rochester to Antillo, Italy and every one of them would give me the shirt off their backs (a few of them have done that literally when I packed wrong). And on the subject of family... 3. My incredible mother, Miss Ellie, is still around and as spunky as ever. Physically, she is doing well despite her crippling arthritis. Even though her mind is slowly betraying her, she still is the one person I trust more than anyone else in this world. I know how blessed I am to still have her in my life at my age. 4. As eclectic as my family is they don't compare to the mosaic of friends I have collected through the years. I am lucky enough to still be in contact with friends from elementary, high school, and college. There are groups of people I still have contact with in each of the 5 school districts in which I have worked. Some of them are grandmothers and grandfathers; others are parents of newborns; and others are empty nesters. Many of them are years away from parenthood and some are only a few years away from retiring. Their interests range from running to painting to rock climbing, and their political leanings go from Donald Trump all the way to Bernie Sanders. Each of these friends have helped me make beautiful memories like going to an actual "high tea" to watch Downton Abbey, going to NYC for New Year's Eve, traveling to England, entering our dogs into a costume contest, and going to the US Open. I look forward to the future with these friends by my side. 5. Music is a huge part of my life, and yesterday marked the return of my guitar lessons. I'm now playing an electric guitar which I absolutely love to do. Music has always been the salve of my life and it makes me so happy to be able to play some of the songs that have helped me through the true tough times of my life. 6. One of my biggest regrets is that I have not had children. While I"m still not ruling out adoption, I realize that at 48 it is a dream I may have to let go of. But despite that sad thought I have the awesome gift of a beautiful niece who I first met when she was only an hour old. She has always been the best thing in my life ever since she was born 15 years ago. So, while I don't have a child of my own I do have a niece who seems to be "okay" with spending time with me. Even saying her name makes me smile. She literally is my walking, talking, and singing heart. I couldn't love her or be more proud of her if she was my own child. My life isn't perfect and yes, I still wish the man I love returned my feelings. But on this day of love I know how lucky I am. And even though my mama can't buy me love, she didn't raise a fool. I am going to celebrate the love I do have in my life. Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.
